Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Surviving the Idealism Pit

How have I been?

Much has happened since I came here at PTSI. I was the girl who took the front stage dancing to the tune of a chipmunk-ified Jingle Bells just two days into work -- and the same girl who took home the grand prize during the Christmas party.

But the New Year brought harder challenges. The party was over, and we are back to the work that I never knew. For the longest time, my teammates and I were silent to the point of hostility. I never understood why they never reached out -- why they gather to the corner to whisper and rant about their lives while I try to preserve my sanity and idealism huddled in front of my computer. All the while conversing with the slow-replying boss who wanted to see change but, for some reason, did not want to see me.

Yes, I had my share of confronting the only girl in my division who is about my age. Four years gap. Caught chatting with a certain guy convincing him that I volunteered to do the report to get credits. My mind battled if I, the newbie, should confront or not. I chose fight over flight in a gentle manner.

Two weeks later, she was emailing me with "Keep it up!" and is comfortably sharing with me as I do to her. I also no longer eat alone like I used to, thanks to my own girl group who practically scooped me up from corporate isolation and into their warm club.

I used to question myself if I was meant to be here. I would like to believe God clearly pointed it out to me that I was. I turned down an offer of 31K at the government agency I have always dreamt of joining for the sake of being a fundraiser in a 104-year-old NGO who still uses outdated methods such as fundraising and seal-selling.

I do not have a Messianic complex whatsoever in thinking I will "be the change" in this institution. I probably will be like most employees and will come out of it just another name and will be replaced. But I'm taking my place in the meantime. There is work to do that I will do. There are things to accomplish that I will. And doing so, I hope to make a difference.

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