Thursday, January 31, 2013

Cruelty (1)

There are far too many words unspoken
and we are not sure if there will be anyone to listen
A handful of lies the enemy has thrown
and in our hearts somehow they have grown

That of anything beautiful we are unworthy
and we are bound to stay in our own inadequacy
That a void in our hearts will always be present
and a future of painful self-conflict is what it meant

That we are not deserving of even an ounce of love
And whatever nice things we do will never be enough
for anyone to consider or for anyone to appreciate
that with our imperfection, condemnation is too great

Through a magnifying glass we see our own lack
carrying them around like big boulders on our back
We strive to please people and make ends meet
but at the end of the day, all we do is grit our teeth

And let the tears pour deep into the dark
Hoping that somehow we would find our spark
A memory of a yesterday when we are assured of care
an abundant life, a good family, and friends who'll be there

We long for arms to make us feel we belong
like finally finding the lyrics of our favorite song
Until we find it, we think we'll always be out of place,
with nobody bothering to wipe the tears off our face.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Sunflowers

The smell of sunflowers...

It's been almost a year since I graduated. Looking back at my January last year, it was full of rants about thesis and changing cities. Such big deals. And I don't know how I got here, but I'm here. Sometimes I tend to take it for granted, but I thank God for how he has sustained me since last year's sunflowers bloomed. I honestly thought I had no other future after passing requirements -- I was that exhausted haha. Oftentimes I don't miss being a student (homework? pssh), but sometimes, I do.

I guess the sunflowers will be an annual reminder of new beginnings. Even a check of how I have been  after college. After leaving school, the campus, the schedules, and everything. I still think I'm too young to work HAHAHAHA. To bother about employment and all the headache it was -- resumes, interviews, corporate wear, etc. I'm still not quite used to it and honestly given a chance I wouldn't be employed at all haha! (see previous post) But I guess God didn't put me here for nothing.

A part of me now longs to be with God, for some reason. It is easier to be with God in critical times, and although life is never short of critical times, I long for more adventure and danger. Haha. The rawness and the trembling pressure brought by sunflowers in April is close to describing this feeling. It is being on the verge of something that will potentially change me...

This year it's either I quit my job or quit my job. Haha. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it and have learned from it a lottt. Handling people, making friends, writing, publishing, calling, going to events, assisting, managing, and many more. But I honestly think I'm meant for something different. There were plenty of struggles, and I thank God for giving me patience to stay for six months now. I will even be promoted if I stay to handle a humongous account, which is great. But... I don't know if I should take it. No doubt, it is a challenge I would love to do. But perhaps there are other things I'd like to do more?

Social entrep is there. But I wonder if it will fill my needs. My needs aren't that many to be honest. I'm not a high-maintenance person. But I do have bills to pay (oh, the pangs of adulthood). But I'm one to throw my cares in the wind... So I guess when an opportunity presents itself, I wouldn't think twice.

Questions, still. I'm both terrified and excited to find out how this unfolds. How my January 2014 self will laugh at the January 2013 self.

Sunflowers, they're coming.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

If I could, I would...

There could have been plenty of titles in this blog. "If I was in my twenties forever" "If I will never have a family of my own"... the list goes on.

This season of my life, I'm overwhelmed at the amount of freedom I have. I could go for anything I want because my parents let me and all I am responsible for is myself. Yet at the back of my mind is a feeling of guilt that I should be more responsible to prepare myself for the next season, which comes with getting olderrr. Yet it's nice to daydream sometimes... To not think so much of the future. I'm a long-term kind of person, but I guess my long-term is different than other people's long-term. Soooo. If I could, I would...

  1. Be a freelance -- work on projects with a business on the side!
  2. Work half-days or part-times -- never a sit-down deskjob for eight hours
  3. Work for indefinite periods of time -- I'd like to think that I am responsible when I need to. Haha. Work is something that's part of my life, and I know I don't enjoy it if I time myself 
  4. Pick up a sport to devote my afternoons to -- spelled like F-R-I-S-B-E-E haha. Or biking/swimming/wall climbing
  5. Visit my family frequently and spend a lot of time with friends and making friends
  6. Travel and possibly pick up work by travelling -- Reading Eat Pray Love makes me think, "How could people do this?! What are the rest of the population missing?!"
  7. Work hands-on, in the field, with communities/NGO/charity/church -- It's a change I want to see...
  8. Live in a house where my friends could come over anytime -- Well, that's pretty much the case now. Except that... maybe, I'm not sure... I want my own/a wider place hahaha
  9. Actually write books
  10. Help friends out -- to be able to say, "I'll be there for you" and actually be there..
These are what's on top of my mind. Lots of people would find these kinds of list indulgent or immature. But then my parents steadily remind me, "How could you afford vacations/feed your kids/retire early" etc etc. Maybe I'll be completely different person someday and that's fine...

Monday, January 14, 2013

Storytelling

I'm guilty of "Life of Pi" hangover. Just check out my computer's desktop background. And how I saved these awesome arts:



Unfortunately, I like movies that make me think. Some people watch movies to unwind and relax their minds. But it would be empty for me to watch something and get nothing. And I can't stand the idea of not scrutinizing or talking about the movie afterwards haha. I guess, there is always a search for something new ~ that perhaps a movie could make change me a little.

Some quotes:

“I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent... You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.” 
― Yann MartelLife of Pi

“To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.” 
― Yann MartelLife of Pi

“If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?” 
― Yann MartelLife of Pi

“Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart.” 
― Yann MartelLife of Pi


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Summer internship

There's something that I should share. Say out loud. I'm in a mix of both excitement and fear. The unknown is a scary concept.

I have an opportunity to go to Malaysia for a summer internship. *Yaaay* Southeast Asia is such a dream place for me. My target travel is Thailand as what is written on my 30 before 25 list. And Malaysia is SO CLOSE. Haha.

I have no opportunity to travel with family, see haha. We spend our money for food and not travel, which is kinda sad. But when I get older, I'll show them how amazing travelling is. And I want to travel as early as now, really. Sometimes I think I could sacrifice the fancy things just to go backpacking...

But the hard idea is I might have to quit my job if my boss won't allow me to just take a leave. I love my job already. But I've made a choice. In five years I would probably regret not going than going. But I would have to face consequences when I get back -- like, look for a job. Again. Which is a bit of a nightmare. Orrr I could just build a business, which is my long-term goal. Oh gosh.

Still, I thank God for these questions. Not everyone is given an opportunity to have these kinds of opportunities. So I don't want to let them slip. Ride on!!

Pray that my boss will allow me. Will ask for permission (gulp) by Friday.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Confusion's many names

Dear God,

What do I do?

It gets more confusing as I come near the things I thought I like.
The ones you're dreaming of, the ones you want
when they're at an arm's reach,
suddenly you no longer want them.

You no longer possess the same fearlessness that got you close
At the corners you cower and hold too tightly at the present
in the name of stability, comfort, and predictability.
Everything to avoid a few traces of change.

You refuse to leave the aspects that you clung to desperately
In the presence of a rescue, you can't let go of the adversity
When faced with a liberating choice, you start cherishing your chains.

The hardest part is that you already know the tunnel out
But the light is blinding and darkness has become my friend.
It would take a while to adjust.
But would I take that while to do so?

So, God, what do I do?
We never were assured of a certain life,
but what kind of life do You want me to leave?
Please help me make a decision. To take a leap and trust in You.