I don't exactly know what happened. But I hadn't planned on resurrecting this blog until tonight. I guess I just miss ranting through my fingers tapping on the keyboard.
Just wanna share with you something that happened today. I had a ~*Dove moment*~ or something.
I went to the mall today to do some window shopping. It's complicated. But you see I think I will be participating in a bazaar so I wanted to know what's out there. Also I am to look for a gown for a wedding in December. So I ventured out.
Black college jacket on. Bare face. Slippers. Old ill-fitting tank top. Usual (messy) hair.
At the same time, I was also feeling the pressure with handling a beauty brand (Flaired( by myself. Seems like nobody could understand how it feels, but I felt alone. That feeling you feel when you're a soloist and you see your choirmates backstage and you freeze, hoping to tell them to come there on the spotlight with you, but no, you're on your own -kind of alone.
Add to that, it was a beauty brand. And I couldn't really claim that I am a beauty kind of person. I've been known since grade school as the girl who never combs her hair (L I E S. or not). And the clothes I'm most comfortable in really are houseclothes and slippers. In short, I don't really put much effort. Which is the problem. Truth is, beauty (at least in a capitalist sense) takes effort. Takes time. And there is this feeling that selling beauty should also mean that I should be beautiful (in that sense). And, well, I don't admit insecurities (did I just...) I just don't think I am like that.
Now if you're feeling like that, then it's really not a good choice to window shop. But I did! And on the sea of people in their best outfits and me the plain houseclothes Jane -- as I was trying out gowns and I look at myself in the mirror and as a hundred crunches and crash diets crossed my mind -- I just felt off. I'll say it: ugly!
And so I was a bit depressed. Maybe it's just hormones and the emotional instability that come with it. But I do felt awful. I suddenly hated every full length mirror at Landmark. Haha.
And only now, I realize that that should not be the beauty that I should sell. Truth is, I feel pressure because my best competitor is a celebrity and of course her clients are even more beautiful celebrities. It felt like I should fit in to their world of glitz and glamour in order to succeed. In order to be a "beauty brand". That I had to learn makeup and do my hair (well, partly true). That I had to be at my best all the time, in public and preferrably also in private. And I just felt like I'm not that kind of person, so I doubted if I can still do this.
In my quiet time tonight, in tears of pressure, alone-ness in business, and the sense of (physical and experience-wise) inadequacy, that's what I asked God. "Can I really do this like you say I can?" over and over and over.
Earlier this morning, earlier these months and weeks, I had no doubt I could do it. I had planned my steps, followed deadlines, and have done my best. But one moment caught off-guard -- one moment of comparison and dissatisfaction -- and I already question everything. It wasn't even about skills. It was about self-perception. And so, even though I am mostly an anything-goes kind of person, I just realized how a lot of people can forget who they are by a moment's insecurity.
By the time I was home, and after that weird quiet time, I looked at myself again in the bathroom mirror and I thought, hey I'm not that bad (AHAHA). Was it with the mall lights? Was it with the perfect figured mannequins or the perfectly made up mall goers? I'm not sure. But I do know that for a moment, something was robbed in me. That is, the idea that I am beautiful. And enough. And capable. And loved -- regardless, in spite of, without question.
Thank you Lord.