Friday, April 5, 2013

Stumbling Blocks

I thought I knew how to love. I thought I could rationalize every problem and find a solution easily. Until God showed how ugly my heart could be.

It was so irrational, so mundane, so shallow. And yet I could not get over it. I could not love this person who obviously needs more of it. Her need for love irritates me. Even the kind words she say make me suspicious. I can't even put my finger on it.

Coming here, God and I were really strong. I thanked him for sustaining me in such a strange land. He has given me a lot of things I could not even thank for. We were strong. We were inseparable. I thought to myself that nothing could get between us. Until now.

The struggle of my heart to love this person causes me to forget God too. Like I want to be with Him and yet I refuse or am too lazy to move this roadblock of a person. Today I remember God's word before I boarded the plane. "You're on a mission". And it's really just funny that it wasn't as heroic as I expected. Working for the blind has its pitfalls of pride. Like you want to look like some sacrificing hero.

God, in his wisdom, put this person who isn't even blind and isn't even the one I'm serving, to test my capacity to love, to humble myself, and to repent. I am dumbfounded as I realize how a little thing could be so much of a challenge. Like I'm a runner who at first wanted to finish, but my co-runner is the one distracting me and causing me to trip. I have to remember that it's not about co-runners, but most importantly the race.

This is really difficult and I don't want to be away from God. I can't pretend to be close to him while denying this person of the love God called me to give.

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