Thursday, August 30, 2012

Pair

To the person who asks me EVERY DAY how I was:

We probably talk more often via black and white in cyberspace than we have ever had in person
But it's amazing how, when a story or a realization comes into my mind, sharing it to you comes next
How I could go on and on ranting about my issues and then realizing how shameful that all was
Thank you for not being a parent to me, but actually empathizing with my rant.
Instead of condemning me during times of struggle and battling with bitter feelings,
you listen patiently and hear me out and say, "I feel those, too" then I know that I'm okay.
For how you ask for prayer and you lead me to verses even in the most heated storytelling
How I could literally talk to you about anything under the sun in idle chats
I really couldn't figure out how you could find the time to click my name on the sidebar and type a few words
When I am out for a few minutes, you even message my roommate to ask where I was HAHAHA
All these time it was you who was making an effort to be friends with me.

We are both introverts and slow to warm up, so I couldn't understand how you got here
And what effort you made,
and it really doesn't show

Thank you for wasting your evenings babbling and listening to me.
It's almost rude HAHA but you genuinely care

To the person who never fails to stay until midnight and talk to me:
There are other things you could do. Your thesis for one. Take care of your nephew or talk to someone else with no issues
But you choose to talk with me
I can't understand it.
But thank you. :)


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

About to


[some draft article from before that got replaced by a better one]

On the eve of 2012, I knew that I will be up against too many challenges.
 
The last three months of college was enough to make me feel stressed, sentimental, and scared all at once. My organization was about career-enhancement, and although I was pretty convinced I would "succeed", I had absolutely no idea how to.
 
Part of me didn't want to graduate yet. Crying as I enlisted 18 units, thesis included, I knew I may not be able to enjoy my last semester. My days may constantly be about "Will I graduate on time?" followed by anxiety spells and piled-up paperwork. Graduating on time is not the trend, which I meant I would have to graduate with fewer friends -- face the challenge with fewer comrades like a guinea pig tossed coldly in the battle field. 
 
As much as I wanted to live as a carefree senior, like an elderly about to retire, I had to use every ounce of strength I had to that my diploma only to be kicked off to the world of employment. A sense of bitterness initially overcame me that I didn't have honors. Why didn't the freshman in me continue her grade consciousness and relaxed somewhere in between? But then I brushed it off with my own arrogance and blissful ignorance that I would make it anyway.
 
My family also had to move back to our hometown. For the past six years (which are my formative ones), we’ve been apart because of my parents' careers and our education. That semester, all five of us were living separately in our dormitories and apartments. Although I welcomed the chance to be together again, I had to fight with the idea of being away from my network of friends and living in closer quarters with parental supervision. I dared to dream that as soon as a job lands on my plate, I would also move out.
 
As my sablay neatly rested upon my shoulders that April, the responsibilities suddenly felt heavier. I have reached the finishing line of tertiary education, but it felt as if nothing really ended but new expectations were set. I was determined to give it a rest, having had enough of stress, so I spent an extended summer in pure joy - being chased by zombies at a fun run, going to the beach, taking dance and driving classes, participating in an immersion, doing photoshoots, while going on one overnight stays after the other. When a relative asks if I wanted to pursue masteral studies, I would secretly roll my eyes and think, "Hell, no!”
 
But meanwhile, the fear creeps in. Job-hunting soon became the game plan, as if I had a choice! Interviews started blocking out some of my days as I revised my resume and dug for corporate clothing week after week. A part-time, dollar-paying research job allowed me to pay for my activities as I stopped accepting allowance. But the job felt a lot like school without the social life. It also didn’t fit the ingrained idea of what a job is, or even “serving the people” so I searched for a new one.
 
They say there are post-college seasons: graduation, celebration, vacation, starvation, and then application. My savings will not last. It was starvation mode and so it was time to apply. As much as I would like to be choosy, some companies process their hiring too long. A lot has also been said about the difficulty of finding a good job with so-called non-marketable courses and despite finishing from a reputable school.
 
The week came when I had three offers, in which I have set my mind to choose from already. Some of my comrades have already settled, while my student friends started classes. Time was running out and I was even more alone. Decisions had to be made regarding the location, the work description, the mobility and the salary of the job. Finally, I chose to work in the city and move out. It was terribly difficult, knowing that apart from being away, I also had bills to pay at barely twenty years of age with an entry-level pay. But for some reason, I dived in and went where my guts told me to go.
 
A month into the job, I found the 8-hour stay was almost exhausting, and my college hair wasn’t the only one that gave my professional inexperience away. Good thing my job didn’t require that I dress like I’m 40 years old and had out-of-office tasks. But still, the question of my trajectory looms constantly, as some of my comrades already explored the idea of changing careers.
 
My parents didn’t taste my first salary. It was a shame, but I knew that my cashflow is on the negative because of the downpayments and groceries. I had to go against tradition and vowed to treat them lavishly once the loss is returned.You shouldn’t have moved out, some said, it will be more difficult to save up. But right now I don’t really care. I have been thrust into the real world too harsh, too soon. If I ever stop, I knew I would lose momentum. They say fewer people in the world had the driving energy that fresh grads have. I believe it is that energy that put me here.
 
So I try to be patient with myself as I move along. I have a few more months left in 2012 and there are no signs of slowing down. But I embrace all the dizzying brainstorming and strategizing, the reinforcements and the discouragements. Unlike my school days, my future is more malleable to me now.
 
Behind the confusion about my direction, I thank the Lord for the luxury of having options. I do believe in purpose and being made for something greater. My map may be virtually non-existent but my compass is pretty strong. My sight may also be limited, but my vision is certainly not.
 

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Compiled Letters

This was my blogpost last 2009 for my buddy's birthday. Which is actually a birthday-greeting-inception because it included a blogpost from the past year! Hahaha. Nobody likes the best friend tag, so it's buddy. Doesn't make it any less of a good friend anyway! Since it's Multiply Monday a few days ago (excuses, chos), I came here to post this! It will be her birthday again on the weekends and I can't go (again!) soooo after this post, I shall write my letter for 2012!

***
2009

Today is officially Monday, so tomorrow is Lyka's birthday! I remember last year I was in Los Banos during her  day and we were planning to surprise her on the same day, but of course I couldn't come. That's the saddest thing ever. I don't remember celebrating her birthday with her, I mean just us-us because during my past birthdays I celebrate it us-us, 15th at Ice skating post-16th at red ribbon and pre-17th at her house. WOA. When I was in third year, the memory of her birthday was clear in my mind because something special happened by the same day. It was August we were practicing for the Comics presentation in our room and she delivered Chowking to the class to treat us. HAHA. Awwww. That must be her 15th. Then 16th, I really don't have a memory of what happened. We were fourth year and I think that's a weekend or so? Then on her 17th I wasn't around (really, that's a regret. I even wrote a letter to her in my laptop but I didn't publish it as a blog. Wait I'll check it out**). Then tomorrow she turns 18. OMGGGG. What?? It's like we've been friends for 3 years now? WOW. It's very rare that I grow up with someone because I always transfer. Well anyway we weren't always together last year because I studied in a land far away. That's okay. And it reminded me of this blog entry. I searched it in my archives and thank God I found it. It was written in January.http://samee27.livejournal.com/3529.html It made me smile as I read it. :))

**

I went back to my documents and found her birthday letter last year. I was supposed to e-mail it to her, and it was written the midnight before her birthday. I read it now and it's sounds so cheezy. Oh well. Maybe I'll give her the link to this blog so she can read it. She doesn't know this blog exists. But sayang naman if she doesn't read it. Remember that I don't assume anyone reads this? So hello Lyka special-guest if I ever gave the link to you. :]

2008


Dear Lyka,
            Here’s a mushy letter for a best buddy!
Happy birthday, first of all. I did not write this on this day, but many days before. I just would like to thank you and tell you that I appreciate our friendship very much. No actually, friendships don’t matter, people do. I appreciate you. You know, there isn’t a person in the world quite like you. I’m a witness to that. And I can’t imagine how lucky I am that I got the chance to be friends with you, more so, having met you.
            Do you know how I met you? Well to tell you the truth during the very first day in third year high, when I was still sitting beside Combe, and you were in front of me, I saw you and I liked you, in a friends-sense. There you were, in a low ponytail, with elbows leaning on the desk, and laughing for some reason I forgot. I liked you, repeating what I said, and I wanted to be your friend. No, I did not really aspire to be your friend, nor did I plan anything.
            But you proved to be much more than a good girl. You are opinionated and direct, something that I admire a lot. You’re a great leader, and I can still remember how you directed us during the Komiks presentation. You’re a girl of unique style. It’s more than elegance, it’s originality. You’re undeniably smart and realistic. I kind of smile when we’re studying together, especially when we’re reviewing, because you’re so focused in studying. I haven’t found that kind of characteristic from anyone! They’re like idle-minded sometimes, or they’re just so naturally smart that they don’t bother to study the way you do. And when you do not know the answer, you ask for help and you question people in a matter that they get on the waves, and pursue the same answer you’re seeking. That’s what happened to me. You have some capacity to change people’s perspective while letting them be themselves.
            On a relaxed matter, you’re a good conversationalist, and someone who’s free. I’m so proud of you for that because I’m not like that. You’re true to yourself, and fabulously imperfect. I cannot imagine that I can talk philosophical things to someone. Most people say it’s a weird topic, or worthless. And you became a vent for that. You loved debates, I used to hate them, but because of you I learned that debates need not be argumentative and chaotic. You were always so generous of your time. You’re willing to accompany me and wait for me. Wow, I really appreciate that! Now that we’re in college, there’s no such thing as “Let’s go to the CR together,” or at least in my situation. I miss how we sit in the CR counter during the mornings. Actually, I purposefully go to the CR several times so that I can talk to you in mornings. We’re often bangag and haggard during those times. Sometimes we need to accomplish assignments and study for quizzes, and you let me copy or help me out. I didn’t realize how fun those times were until now, now that we have to study on our own. And those times we were in the bus debating about the ‘heart’ and the ‘brain’. Those ‘precious’ conversations by the beachof Puerto Azul; the many times I was with you in the canteen (oh, I miss canteens); the pick-up times, the ice-skating times, and everything. They’re far too many to mention: the pictures and my journal are witnesses to that. It’s really tear-jerking, but I swore to have a record in not crying (wow).
            They say we haven’t had a fight. I don’t think that’s possible in any true friendship. We’re two different people. We have different standards, likes, dislikes, and stuff. I guess we do have ‘fights’ from time to time, but neither of us wanted to blow the horn, because we’re too rational to do so. And I’m glad to have a friend who’s willing to contradict, because I’m not always right.
            I’d like you to know that I won’t ever be able to forget anything about you, or our former, former section. Gosh, it’s a real blessing that I belonged to that section. And it’s a sad fact to realize that 35 may be the last good section I’d belong to. It’s not for me to say for now, but it feels a lot like it. I’d be different person without you, I’d like to tell you. And I’m always here for you no matter what. I don’t think that fact will ever change. I know we’re facing a lot during these times in our college life. But after college life we’ll look back and smile, believe me. I believe that.. And I’ll try not to be absent in your college life. I’m just here. Very far, somewhat an abstract presence, but still is present. I do not know what the future holds. Maybe I won’t get to know you as much as I got to know you in the period of two years. Maybe we’ll change a lot. I know it’s cliché but I’ll still be a friend FOREVER, even as we grow up and old. For some time in my life, during the happiest times of my life, you were there. I’d never be able to forget that, and the so many milestones and ‘seasons’ we faced. I’ll forever miss those times when we were like kids, crazy for pictures and crazy for all the High School things we did. Now that we’re college, it’s a continuation, but with different people. Nevertheless, you’re someone I won’t forget—a girl so different among others, an imperfect girl, an admirable totally ‘grool’ girl. I can’t wait to live a longer life and find out for ourselves what we’ll achieve. Achievement is not really an expectation, it’s an adventure (naks, quote!). I can’t wait going to reunions with all of you when we’re older. I can’t wait for travelling with you guys again. I can’t wait for the future husbands (plural talaga?), future boyfriends, and love life. There’s more to discover when I’m with all of you. You’re my bestest buddy in the world. And you’re the most one-of-a-kind buddy I’ve had, the the BEST buddy I’ll ever have, I’m sure. J Happy birthday, stay safe, and may God bless you well. ;)

Love, Samantha

***

2010, 2011....

***


2012



HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDYYYY
I can't be there on your birthday again, and you probably won't read this blog post again until I give you the link (you should seriously read my blog hahaha). Then again, your birthday has always been a big deal for me.

Reading the past birthday greetings made me nostalgic of what our friendship really felt like before. Until now it rings true, minus the uber-mushiness haha.

Seriously, we have been through college and look! We are still good friends! I can't believe we have survived! I remember when we returned to Pan De Amerikana and I said, "Last time we were here, we were making our resumes. And now we're both employed!"

I love those moments. And I'm sure there will be plenty of times, through the years (God willing) that those will happen. The recurring memories. The start-ups. The new impressions. I remember those times when we talked about our new blockmates. When we shared stories about hang outs. When you went with me to the S'mores Party twice! (really meant a lot). When you went to UP just to help me go through an Econ assignment (never changed much? Chos). When you agree that I go to Ateneo to do some Bible studies. When we were both at each other's graduation, taking pictures of each other's ceremonies.

Grabe. I never thought we'd go that far. And we're not even clingy HAHAHA. Kasi we don't talk everyday. We don't share agad agad yung mga issues natin. We don't do everything together like we're inseparable. It's just that quiet knowledge that we are here for each other if we need anything. A shoulder to lean on, an ear to be heard, a presence to be demanded. I loved how madali lang tayong magkayayaan kahit hindi naman madalas. The first sweldo treats and sharing the hurts found within our family. There is always something to learn about each other, even though we have been friends for years.

For years. Who knew. Thank you Lord! I also enjoy how we got to talk about God. It's not groundbreaking or awe-inspiring stuff, but honest and truthful. Thank you for listening to the rants, replying to the texts, and the assurance that you are there. Thank you :)

Know that I will always be there for you as well. From the first time you said someone will court me (haha idk if you remember), to the times when we were at the canteen talking about people (haha), to the time when we'd meet at NCAA games, to the karaoke nights and random stay-ins at your place, to the Cavite thrift shopping at my place, to the Christmas parties and quiet talks, to the slow tears and endless laughs, to the feelings of despair and struggle. You'll always have me there. This blog post (God willing) will be continue to add through the years as a testimony of our friendship.

Love you! Friends4evahh :)








Thursday, August 16, 2012

Career Confession

This article has been really comforting for me.

Today has been my first month at work. And today hasn't been a good day.
I was in a business meeting, unprepared, primarily because I just tagged along. It wasn't my meeting, to me. But I realized I was part of it too late.
Then there was this time when I was not wearing sporty clothes in a sporty event.
And how I speak, which is completely not me.
And how I... everything.
There are just too many mistakes.
I feel like a lot of the attention is on me just because I'm new.
My mistakes are magnified and highlighted. To them and to myself.
One of the things I hate is being talked about,
but I realized that you WILL be talked about if you do something significant.
So I might as well be talked about.
I love my job ~ I love the boss, the people, the set-up, the lack of dress code, the eventfulness.
I love meeting people. And I can't wait to prove myself
It's just that I fail a lot. I fail a lot. Haha.
Maybe I'm just hard on myself, but that's how I feel right now.

This article is called career confession because the book I'm reading say that people tend to claim or project that they have it all together.
And on the outside, they may seem to - perfect job, good social life, the salary
As I was walking to work this morning that's what I realized. My life was good!
I had a job, walking distance. I live in a beautiful place. I didn't have to commute. The community is vibrant. I literally walk to the grocery store, have time to shoot photos in the morning, could keep a business on the side and the dreams of being a social entrepreneur someday. Have lived for almost four months without asking money. Financially independent, lots of potential and a public relations job.

It's perfect. It is. It's more than I dreamt of. But there will always be something lacking.

I'm not good enough. Or, I know I am better, but it just doesn't translate. I expect too much - from myself and from what I do. That I end up being frustrated. I really want to learn. I really want a mentor. But there are just too many walls.

I didn't like being treated as a rookie. I wanted to be treated like an old-timer, but I can't even get things right. I hate being excused as the "newbie" for my mistakes. I wanted to be seen as an experienced one, an asset. Unfortunately, I didn't want the basics. I want the big things. But I can't even nail the basics right now!

I needed people who believe in me, and there are. I just don't believe in myself after seeing myself fail (caution: the tendency to blow things out of proportion).

When will I stop failing? Never. Dear Lord, I just want to learn. I hope I learn how to accept help.

Still, my passion exceeds my fears.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Multiply Monday




So my org was doing it, and I figured I should try!

Multiply is off the social networking business this December. It depresses me a little. There are just too many memories stored in there. Was pretty much content leaving it there, but now that it's about to disappear, I don't know what to do! Multiply documented my high school to college transition.

So maybe, just a few revisits to who I was (AND how I looked like) around four years ago! Time fliesss.

*egh* worst ever HAHA

Spell awkward?

A freshman experiencing sleepless nights for the first time (but this photo was pretend:))
My welcome note! LOL
Block photo. Dressed as children because we were "centennial babies/freshmen"
HS. For a magazine. I was chewing okay? haha
The best roommates to have. :) And my first drinks

Me in all my editing glory!!

With [P], dinners were common at LB. And look what I was doing! :)))


My brothers
My mother

And...
K.

This was in a private album called "This is not Vanity". I actually produced great photos (high fashion-ish, museum-ish in my opinion) playing with the light and my hair. Weird, creepy stuff I tell you. What else do you do on a night alone but creep yourself out Haha! But I didn't publish it coz people might make fun of me HAHA. Neverthelesssss here are some:

entitled "Cullenized"
"konserbatibo"

mouthless


"Sigaw" - in small proportions so as to not humor you XD




My first UP merchandise - and this was, I think, my 17th birthday, with my family

Rockband. The making :) (add Tere)

Aha! :)
When I transferred in Diliman, after the first play I watched there

Hope

College problems, and when Tumblr was in
Expressing annoyance at my new haircut. I can't even remember it looked like this before. Thank God it grew

K, that's all folks!



Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A Good Samaritan

HEY YOU.
Yes, you.

You with a laptop and a suspended class or work.
Because you read this you probably have electricity because you have access to the Internet.
You're probably staying at a warm place with food about 5 feet away from you.
Your bed is warm and you have a blanket, and...

You have more than enough time and energy.

I implore you to do something.
I know you probably mean well. That you have shared or tweeted about the typhoon.
You prayed and wished that everyone will be okay, as you watch the television helplessly.

Well, you could help if you step outside, take a look at the world and brave it.

You are needed out there. Your cash, your hands, your concern... your love.

It is a colder place now in the Philippines than ever. You have lots to spare. Give.

This is not peptalk or a suggestion. This is a command.
"Love your neighbor as you love yourself." - Now how much do you love being warm and filled during the storm?

"Be doers, not only hearers, of the Word"

"Whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto me" -What would you really do for Christ? Or what would you NOT do?

Do not ever worry.
You will have your reward, when that warm bed, problem-free electricity and nearby food fails (and even if they don't)


"Then the King will say to those at His right, 'Come, my Father's blessed ones, receive your inheritance of the Kingdom which has been divinely intended for you ever since the creation of the world. For when I was hungry, you gave me food; when I was thirsty, you gave me drink; when I was homeless, you gave me a welcome.'" 



"If you love me, you will obey my commands"

You are commanded to help.