Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Indie update

HEYYY it's been so longgg. Right now I'm blogging to update you about my life in general. Haha.

Today my officemates gave me advice on how to live independently. That is, to save up. The income isn't that much (although we're in it for the perks), and being financially independent meant you will not have a good time saving up. It will get difficult.

My parents aren't helping me. Haha. Not. even. one. bit. I shouldered my one month advance, one month deposit rent, bought groceries (toiletries and stuff like that). Work clothes and shoes (not much yet) as well as food!

Food is terribly expensive. I live a few corners from Maginhawa, so you could expect that shops are really competitive. They come up with concepts and stuff like that, and they price it for the rich  hipsters, I mean, people who visit the place. In short, no affordable karendirya around!

Last week was my first paycheck, and I laughed bitterly. HAHAHA. I treated some friends to dinner. Once at a buffet (what was I thinking? LOL) and some cheapster kiosk and my roommate to delivery food. And tomorrow I will treat one for breakfast, and promised another group as well as my parents for a treat. What am I, a millionaire? When almost all of the cash went to Bigbang's Concert which Dad paid via credit card! Aagggh.

So this is how it feels. I'm pretty confident at how I handle money matters. And I guess right now I'll just shrug it off. It's my first paycheck. People rejoiced with me and I think they deserved it. Okay.

I washed clothes. Not everything. I still went to the laundry shop to give the major clothes. They say washing my own clothes will save money, but I think more money will be wasted when they get destroyed. Or simply, if I waste too much time/soap/water cleaning the stuff. Another expense!

Then I went to Savemore to do some grocery shopping. And I remember the times I was at my own home with my parents and I would just pile up all the food I wanted into the cart. Now I measure the grams, the prices and all the unattractive things that was due to the fact that it'll be from my pocket every cent that I give.

I'l be buying my own running shoes soon so that I will still get physically fit. Last summer, as mentioned I enrolled myself in dancing classes in Cavite. But I can't possibly continue. And it has become too expensive HAHA. I found a yoga studio, and my officemates do zumba, but EXPENSES AGAIN... So, no. Jogging is free and good for the body.

My friend and I will be launching a blog soon. Me for fashion, she for make-up Well, actually we have just talked about it/mentioned it tonight. But it was pretty much my frustration. I've been holding back for so long, and I don't want to have regrets. It will be terribly difficult. Most likely EXPENSIVE. I hate to say this but...


LOL. In a positive way. So I'll plunge ahead, committed!


ALSO


to my dear father who I really loved.
He's not perfect and I could rant about that,
but he loves me.

Thank you Dad!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Work, and then Some :)

Am I so bipolar that I am completely happy today? Haha.

Thank you Lord.

Today what made me happy was that I worked a lot. In the morning, I went to the office early (actually, on time, but I'm always the first person! Who knew! :)) I read magazines and then got to do some work. But by lunch break I was practically begging my officemates to give me work because mine is finished already, "Hey, if you need anything, just give me orders. Utusan niyo ko!" Haha. And they were like, "Nako enjoyin mo yang wala ka pang masyadong ginagawa."

My wish was granted... right after lunch.

I went from managing... I don't know what to call it... NBA's media reports and writing letters to deans of engineering colleges for 3M... to making media calls ~calling all TV stations and radios, and sending out lots of invitations to a media launch ~tedious! I know it's nothing compared to what the account managers are doing (PR Assistant here), but I'm getting there!!! I really am just asking them to give me challenges. As in. Pahirapan niyo ko :))


Also, I guess I loved this day because I got to talk. As what I've shared, I was the quiet new girl. It was so awkward. I DON'T have anything to say. I was hoping they'd give me projects so that I will! Hahaha. And today it was granted. Over UAAP and work and food and meeting and media calls. Thank you Lord because I was able to share a little bit more of myself. And got to know them, too.


Then our boss bought some grand merienda! Saefood pancit and shanghai and orange juice. Best tasting. The smell was aaahhh. I have a thing with food, as what I previously blogged. It's my love language, and that afternoon, I felt LOVED. :))


I love how the office restroom looks and smells (really! I frequent the CR because of it). I love that the office looks like a busy house than a cold workstation. I love the piles of magazines, the stacks of newspapers and documents on the table. The calls and appointments set.g I love the name dropping of editors and writers and mediapeople and bloggers and companies and celebrities. The laughs and jokes in between. The smiles exchanged. The fact that I have my own desk, although I have never put anything to mark my territory yet. How I use my own laptop and the location is just a few blocks, walking-distance, from home. I love how we head off to lunch at the same place (where there is this cute little girl, my namesake, who is JUST adorable). The way I plug my earphones on because there is always AM radio on the background. The afternoon treats (last time it was a sweet cake!!)


I loved how they are not too strict with clothing. Of course, no shorts, spaghettis and slippers. But at least I'm not required to look 40. I found out we can wear jeans or sneakers so long as we don't have client meetings.


I'm looking forward to those client meetings. I WANT AN ACCOUNT. So far it's NBA only, but it's small stuff (so far). I want client meetings, big events, press cons and features. I want MOOOORE. I'm learning as much as I can.


Thank you God.




PS. Thank you for the after-work. Timezon the other day. And now, The Dark Knight Rises. :)

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dear God

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the lover all the time.

Can't these people see how much damage they have done to me? Didn't they have the smarts to realize that it is them who should say sorry? Do they really have the guts to demand for more forgiveness that I have already given them and they themselves have withdraw?

Do you really expect me, Lord, to come after them? These people know what anger does. They are familiar that you should not keep your wrath because it is damaging. And why are they even angry at me? Hindi ba sila yung gumawa non sa sarili nila?

It's so unfair God. It's like I am forced to admit something I didn't do. It's like I don't want to give up on people who have already thrown me away, and gave me no choice but to leave. They practically wanted me to leave. And what am I to do, God? CHASE THEM?

And then what? They do it again and I have to chase them again?

I don't want to give it up Lord, but I can't do this anymore. I am tired. I wanted to know that the relationships I'm pursuing will last. That they are not going to drop everything if I make mistakes. That they are going to fix it when it's broken and not throw it away. Parang mali pa yata yung ikaw yung laging nagpaparaya sa una, kasi sa huli, parang sayo na nakadepende yung relasyon. Na ikaw ang may kasalanan pag hindi umayos. 

That's too much God. I can't handle these people. Do I let them stay? I give up God. Di ko na kaya. Masyado nang mabigat.


*PS. I feel better now. After reading a book, releasing a little, and most therapeutic of all, showering! I just realized that it is useless trying to fix other people. And relationships will never ever be conflict-free. Let's improve our lives a day at a time.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

DAY 2

Just thought I'd drop by to tell you how my life is going:


Oh God I am SO tired.


I don't even commute to work. It's only a short walk from my boarding house. My officemates are nice, although I'm still a bit culture-shocked. One asked me why I was quiet, and I was like, "Well, I couldn't say anything" (people nowadays are too preoccupied. When you're doing nothing, they hand you an iPad, when you're not talking, they make you chat with someone, when you're staring in space, they expect you to text. Whatever happened to just thinking? Haha).

I think I'm coming down with the flu, and I'm just on my way to my third day at work.

This morning I found out that most of my clothes will become just about obsolete because they are not work clothes ~ shorts, slippers, spaghetti straps?

And then I only brought one pair of good shoes when I moved out (the other one is a slipper, the other is Chuck's haha). So I keep reusing it, and will keep reusing it until Friday! I need to hit the thrift stores.

Dad calls me every night, which is very nice of him. I haven't heard from my mom. Haha. This is my stint at being Miss Independent and so far, I have to suck the complaints in.

I hope I get to be more noisy and friendly even though I'm the new girl in the office. I really wanna do my job well. To be honest, I was hoping they'd give me tougher jobs HAHA so that we can have more things to talk about. But I understand that I'm just two days-old, and you can't really expect them to be comfortable with me as I am still uncomfortable with them.

Thank you Lord for this great opportunity to be close to my dreams. Thank you God because you have placed me here. I did not move here in vain, and all my worries are nothing compared to your promises.

I do hope he gives me time for ministry at KNL. I also wished that my 10-6:30 schedule will be shorter. Oh how I was accustomed to having no rules in terms of clothing, time, and activity!

Keep going, Sam. Keep going.

Answer for a Shirt


I won!

Thank you InHim :)

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Vollmich and Haselnuss




I was browsing the blog of one of the wittiest people I know, Faith, and this is what I found.
It came from the workisnotajob website, which just made me go


I hope this will be my guiding principle as I start working on Monday.



Monday, July 9, 2012

Breakout

Quezon City.


Where my future lies.
Where my future workplace is located.
Where my future clients would be meeting with me.
Where my future bed is nestled within my future boarding house with my future roommates.
Where my future ministry holds the future individuals until our fateful meeting.
Where my future organization will be discussing for our future plans.

Where my future is,
the present cannot follow.

It was the time I was waiting for. I found the job. I found the business location. I found the house. I found the ministry. I found the organization.

I can be near my church, I can be near places to jog or to play Frisbee in, I can be near my closest friends, I can be near places to discover, I can be near... my future.

But now I have to tell my parents that I'm leaving the nest to pursue these things.
That I'm packing my bags and paying my own bills.
That I'm going to be beyond the reach of their authority and protection.
That if I fail, it would be my fault.

I'm really excited and scared at the same time. But I also really don't know how to tell them.

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways."

Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

One night, two fights.

I could never understand why people fight. We are all on the same side, beneath the surface. We have the same needs, but projected in different desires. We know each other well, but we refuse to understand.

I really don't know why this is happening. I don't see myself as someone who provokes people, at least intentionally. I have a fiery temper, but not towards the people I love. So the fact that they would attempt to do me harm is the most hurtful of all. I could look beyond the action and see the heart, but seeing them succumb to what they feel and only what they feel makes the fact that they value it more than your relationship emergent.

You keep them close to you, and then they hurt you. They turn your lights off, they say all the stupid words, they order you around and judge you. Just when you thought you were safe with them, they kick you off the edge.

What's more difficult is to be the party who is always trying to understand. Who pursues, who forgives even when they didn't even apologize. I don't like telling people I'm hurt, and then when I do, they defend themselves and I think, "Fine, what the hell". You avoid them, you push them away so that you could help them control themselves, but they don't back down. They just keep lunging forward and attacking you. And then, it's still you who needs to adjust.

What kind of people am I surrounded with.

Sometimes, I just want to give up on them. It's my nature to be an escapist. Locking doors and running off. But I value the relationship. Even though they don't.

I need some time off by myself. Away from the two people who never fail to let me down, no matter how hard I fight to keep us together.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

My Wildest Dreams

Two weeks ago, God spoke to me that my direction will come by July. GREAT! I have been waiting for this since graduation day. I know where I wanted to be, but I don't know what to do to get there. Scratch that. I don't know where I wanted to be, more so, how to get there. At first, it was very difficult to claim that, by July, God will pave the way to show where I will be. I mean, what if it doesn't happen and it was all my expectations?

Second, it was difficult because at that time, I was ready to take a job -- any job. I regret that I quit the first one, but it was really because I was already dipping at my savings, which the money manager in me dislikes. I JUST HAVE to get a stable cash flow. But God didn't lead me that way, which I'm thankful for!

Just this week, I got two offers in marketing positions ~ a task I really love. Although I am still not satisfied with it, and told them I'm giving myself a week to think about it. This afternoon, I might just get my third offer. Amazing, right? And do I have the right to reject them? Haha! It's amazing. First week of July, and there goes my job offers. Exactly as God said, but what is my direction? As more choices pop, it gets more confusing.

To be honest, I think I make a sloppy employee, just like how I made a sloppy student (in my opinion). I'm the type who's looking for that spark in actions, and if there is none, then I'm like a zombie being dragged to do what is expected of me. And I never do it well of course, because I'm not enthusiastic about it. But when I'm passionate about something, I am overwhelmingly committed, putting more hours than what is required, going the extra-extra mile. And that I can do for free. Those moments ~ they surprise me.The bring out something I never knew I have.

Last Saturday, I chanced upon a non-profit organization committed to building social entrepreneurs. That afternoon, was an Idea Lab and we talked about the current restaurant business, and how it's not working well and can be improved. New as I was to the group, I can't help putting in my thoughts, and WOW, a group that talks about my favorite topics! I am not a business major, but it has always been my frustration. The books I splurge on are not Twilight or even Marx-authored (like my course), but marketing, branding and entrepreneurship. Just yesterday I dreamt of going back to school (really!) for an MBA. This is my wildest dream. This is what I do in my spare time, and it's not work. I realize that this has always been what I wanted to be ~ a social entrepreneur. Such a fancy schmancy J.D.

When the doors opened, when I finally entertained the thought that hey - this could be it, I just realize that it has been all over the place. My article subscriptions, my book collections, how I observe the streets when I commute, the slight obsession for Flaired, the dream of building another brand, the desire to be a missionary when I was very young (haha, a nun, even), and just the burden of seeing people without means, and hoping that I could somehow help them in this lifetime.

It sounds so dream-like and so vague. But could it come true?

I know that nothing is impossible with God. It's cliche. But still I cry in my prayers when I realized that it could be it because it sounds like a mountain to move. Where do I go? There isn't a job posting for social entrepreneurs. I haven't been formally trained, and where is my grand narrative? I have nothing. But God tells me so. Where do I start? I need experience, I need to learn, but from where? AAAHH.

When you find your purpose, you have to say no to many good ideas. Yesterday I dreamt of this, and I'd like to think it was a heaven-sent kind of dream. I was in a battle, and I didn't know how to reload the gun. So my mentor, some anime-ish hero, lent me his as he reloads mine. Using his gun, I ra-ta-ta-ta randomly on the enemy, but none of them fell down. My mentor said, "You don't know how to use it (the gun), you should aim first before you fire." So I ran out of ammo before he reloaded my gun, and we both died in battle HAHA. Then only after a few hours that I related the dream to myself.

Most of my life has been very random. A renaissance woman who knows a little about a lot. A jill-of-all-trades, master of none. I wanted to be a nun, then a teacher, then a writer, then a lawyer, then now a businessperson. Whatever experience I can get, I grab. But it's been all over the place, and you just don't know where to pick yourself up. If asked, "Who are you?" you just shrug and say, "Um, well..." In a sense, that meant squandering God's resources ~ time, opportunities, presence, means. The randomness is still used for his purpose. Sometimes you find the path by getting lost first. But you should still seek that Ultimate Battle Plan.

Now I just realized that I have to focus. I need a sniper, not a machine gun. This is it. The ~*real world*~. You have to have a map, but all you have is a compass. You might as well follow it. If you dream, you might as well dream big. I am such an idealistic person, I can't help it. But I have always known that I am meant for something MORE.

Please pray that my wildest dreams, intimidating GOD-SIZED dreams, would come true. A leap of faith... Here goes!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Nightmare: Being clingy (long thought post on relationships)

A lot of times, I hate getting too personal, or talking about personal things unless the person is the type whom I can throw all my trash out and laugh at me (if you know what I mean). I'm reserved, as from what I've heard. But I guess I like the privacy of my own mind, unless I've let my guard down with a person.

Anywayyy. Last few days I've been really busy to the point that I drop to the bed and sleep, and then wake up again to do what I gotta do. Saturday was a videoshoot with CJ, a meeting with GK. Sunday, we picked  Mom up from Tagaytay and watched The Amazing Spiderman. Monday, I had an interview in Alabang (foreign land to me). Tuesday, interview in Makati, sharing in QC and I was supposed to another GK meeting, but man my eyes are dropping.

So finally, a day off! Before I repeat everything on Friday! Good news is that I got two offers in two days. I could actually start next week, but I didn't want to. I want to wait for other results to come in, and explore the possibilities of being a social entrep (nuks). I guess I just really need a stable income to sustain a financially independent life.

SOOOO. I got some time to read through blogs, and I particularly landed on a ranting post about relationships (I didn't mean to! It's not like I search for those topics!). Halfway through, I just realized it would be a nightmare to be a clingy girlfriend. Super nightmare. I would dread the time I'll morph into something like that. Impossible! (PS, this post is personal so bear with it or leave it haha)

Growing up, I've always been mataray, and a punk with guys. I hated them (hahaha), and although it's SO not obvious now, and some friends won't believe, I was a boyish little girl. I really didn't have the history to become the clingy-type. Even with girls. I'm not very touchy, and I don't cry on their shoulders although it has actually improved since I found my church (haha, remembering how awkward cheek kisses used to be, and oh those tearful prayers with them). I'm close with my mother, but not to the point I'd bare my heart.

My kind of relationship is egalitarian. I've had only one relationship before, but a couple of flings thereafter (sad, I know). I used to lead guys on, until I realized it wasn't the type of relationship I was going for. There was a lot of guessing and playing around. Multiple crushes at the same time. Long text messages and few good conversations. More playing and not a lot of "being there fore you" (which I value most). So I just stopped. It was also because I liked a friend so much that I saved him the wickedness of my heart. And became, really, "just" friends (friendzoned haha). Sooo I'm not into guys, or into playing games. Sometimes I wish I was, to make things more exciting. But then, sayang yung friendship. And of course, I don't want to hurt people because of my ego. I value friendship more, and my kind of relationship would be the one that's built on a good, honest friendship.

That's why I'll never be clingy. I can pursue people. I can let my guard down (though not very easily). But not clingy. I don't know if it's pride, or the giving a sense of identity for a person, or I would never wanted anyone to be clingy with me (that's why I don't really have a best friend haha, that's another story shh). Who knows, this might change.

At least, now, I have a better idea what true love is. Sorry kung cheezy hahaha. Pero totoo naman, knowing Christ means knowing what (or who) LOVE is.