Saturday, September 22, 2012

Home and Leaving Home

It's been more than two months since I moved out. I got one item crossed off my bucket list. To be honest, I thought living independently would be one of the last ones I'll accomplish and it's something I'm half-hearted about doing. How surprising that it came so quickly. I've learned and done a lot ~ mostly domestic things I don't do at home HAHA.

During my first weeks, Dad would call every night and Mom would check up on me every day. Now the calls are getting fewer, once a week, and the texts are only after I ask them how they are doing (the answer of which is similar every time. Haha).

I make it a point to go home weekly. My family has been apart for six years. There was a time when all five of us lived in separate households. That is, until earlier this year when Mom changed work (after more than 20 years!) and the two boys stayed home instead of boarding out for school. When I accepted my current job, I really pondered about moving. Both my brothers and my parents are already in one home, and I hate to be the first one to leave! It was such a short time to be together, my unemployment days. I didn't want them to feel that I've already become too independent that I don't need them anymore. And even though I don't admit it, I still need them, regardless if I can provide for myself or not. The warm home, the familiarity, free food. So I go home. I didn't want them to get wrong ideas that I've "left", or have checked out.

But lately I'm thinking if I should stop going home every week. My weeks are really busy, consisting of 5 days at the office and two days travelling back and forth the province. It really takes up time, and sometimes I wanted to pursue something outside my work, but am left with no time to do so. I think by now my parents can manage, and they are assured enough that even though I left, I'm still part of the family.

Again, during my first weeks, we go out every weekend, watch movies, just because we miss each other. But now our times are more casual, at home, and nothing special. I think I've assured them enough, or maybe, have assured myself that both of us are going to be all right and assured of our relationship. So maybe I'm free to make plans on weekends, too. See how God will use it productively even though I'm away from home. By now, I'm pretty confident my parents won't be too sad (haha, do I have this illusion that they need me? As I said, I'm the needy one. Or maybe both parties). Maybe the weekend would be a good time to plan things out and seek His will.

Dear Lord, thank you for providing for me. I stepped out of the house by faith. I really had nothing and was on the negative financially. But two months at my dream place and I'm already comfortable ~ more than what I expected. Help me not to be independent, but dependent on you. May you be my comfort during times of stress, loneliness, and anxiety that comes with being separated from my family. May they be assured that I will stay as their daughter/sister, and may I be present in their lives more, even in my absence. Keep our family together, as you did for those six years and for the past 24 years since my parents married. Thank you. Amen.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

How your knees glorify God

I was writing a press release for a brand, which is about taking care of knees. In my research I discovered that our knees are the largest and one of the most complex joint in the body. In fact, it was so unique that it is what differentiates us from animals. Knees are responsible for making us bipedal, meaning, walking in two legs.

Why aren't we like apes who are on all fours? Because our knees can both bend (when sitting) and lock (when standing), whereas a monkey's doesn't. You can't find the same knee joint design in animals, even bipedal ones. It provides support every time, and if you don't know how often you use it, try imagining a day without them. You would fall on the ground with seemingly broken legs.

Knees are also "irreducible", meaning the bones and the ligaments (and other anatomical parts) did not develop in time. All these wonderful combinations that make up your knee joint have to exist simultaneously ~ it just started! It has always been there. It was designed from the beginning.

I never forced myself out of the belief of evolution. I didn't know it wasn't in the Bible, nor if Christians believe them. But I do know that there is an art to our brilliance, an art to what we have labelled science. The things we take for granted, just our knees!, show God's wonderful work.

When we realize God's size ~ how he pays attention to the microscopic, or under-the-skin things we overlook, and how he paints the sky from various different layers of clouds, space, stars, and light your Photoshop won't be able to do, until how he perfectly orbits the planets ~ we realize also his infinity and sovereignty over the things we are bothered about, and the things we don't even take time to think about. :)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A thousand times I fail

Willpower. Willpower.
I will do this. I will do this. Tear down the walls.
I get to the place, and with a minor stitch, the first word that come to my mouth
was all wrong.
I blew it. Again. Seemingly hopeless, oh, me.

Sometimes I think the walls are who I truly am.
I've been so self-contained that I hardly know how to react without them.
Completely clueless.
Maybe it was my natural state.
Anything I'm not used to becomes awkward.

But maybe it's worth a shot
to not let go of the moment at hand.
Slowly, dive in, slowly, observe.
Find the bottom until it touches my feet and I can breathe
instead of letting my hands flail in panic.

Slowly, dive in, slowly.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Reading fiction again

For a while biographies and memoirs are my thing
I like reality
I would rather read sociology than dazzling vampires

But there are times when I remove the leash on my imagination
and it starts imagining things,
like it used to once before.
Maybe I should put away the leash for good.

I almost bought my dream superhero outfit
which made me look like a strawberry
with the leaves as a cape and a pink dress

The power it holds, what if I was destined to see it
in Gayuma ni Maria and that it actually has powers
I imagined idle moments at the boarding house just wearing the uniform
and break out of normalcy and jump from the balcony,
surprising myself with the wonders of the fruity costume
Super speed, flight, inspiration,
maybe it does have powers.

But in the end, in dizzy and sleepyness,
the hero puts spending P350 off the costume
Maybe some other time,
when I can't sleep and all I think
is jumping out the balcony with a newer self

The cape has got to wait.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Things I learned about myself lately

I absolutely love brutal honesty. To me that's all that matters. If a person is unimportant, their brutal honesty won't affect me. If they are important, I thank them for my kindness.

Today we had such one in the office as a whole team. You would think I'd look tense because it was a negative kind of meeting. But despite my tissue nosed and sniffing (I'm sick!) I actually appreciated the talk. It was a breather. There were far too many gray areas about work and I can't wait to do as I'm told, or get permission to be creative.

What I learned about myself lately is that I'm creative. A lot of things made sense, as what I have previously blogged. All the drawing, fashion illustrating, scrapbooking and recycling that characterized my youth didn't vanish. Now it's just translated to blogging, photography, online scrapbooking and working on press releases. Haha!

This weekend I asked God to help me appreciate my job. I was all positive at the beginning, but the negatives sank in. I realized I don't make a good employee and that I make a better boss, not the tyrannical ones, but someone who collaborates, coordinates, and communicates. With the hierarchy, real or imagined, in the world of work, it's easy to stifle such things ~ feel disoriented, lack of sense of belonging and confusion. I was there last week.

I prayed to God that he help me appreciate my job. My job is good! It allows me to go sight-seeing hotels, sit in press conferences and seminars. My boss treats us lavishly and her vision is to make the workplace family-ish.

There are glitches, of course. Not quite being there. But I wanted to be thankful nonetheless. I used to think I'd rather go on business, but I realize that I also needed this, and that I need not quit this job to be an entrepreneur. Avoiding the tyranny of the "or" for the genius of the "and". I also realized how arrogant and confident I could be, and I don't really think that's such a bad thing hahaha.

Sometimes it's like I'm always working. Daytime at the office and nighttime everything else ~ talking to my family, friends, looking for suppliers for Flaired, finding out about social entrepreneurship via GK, figuring out how to invest in the stock market, researching on what I could blog, reading and reading! But this is my life hahaha! I love my indoor time as much as my outdoor ones.

Today, my boss said about me, "Si Sam pag tumawag akala mo galing sa funeraria." OMG. HAHAHAHA. I never knew that about myself. I thought I was being professional with my tone when I call the media (like, inviting them for the events, following a release, or confirming their attendance), but in Suzanne Collin's writing of Katniss Everdeen, I'm about "as charming as a dead slug", or, apparently, a mortician! HAHAHAHA. Shitniz.

Then my officemate, who actually is my tandem for managing a company's account, revealed another. It was lunch time and I asked her also for feedback, and that she could be really honest. She's a hardworking girl, very step-by-step, committed. I'm nothing like her, and I think that's okay, so I asked. She said something positive, "Napepressure ako sayo kasi ang bilis mo gumawa ng article." HAHAHA! Wow. I honestly thought she'd criticize me. Her only suggestion was that I add more energy.

Wow, so I haven't been really energetic. When I compare it with my response to something I'm passionate about, it's totally different. I can't stop talking. In fact I talk too much. I don't really think passion is separate. I should be a passionate person in general ~ including in the workplace.

One thing that I realized as well is that I've learned not to be afraid of being talked about behind my back. Some people closely surrounding are doing it to me but I don't call their bluff simply because it would create so much drama. I would rather do my own thing and let them talk and do their thing. I'm not her to change opinions anyway. Oh Lord, thank you, when did I ever learned to be so fly? Haha!

So, knowing these ~ my artsy fartsy self, my unattractive tone, and quick writing ~ I feel really thankful. God answered my prayer. He gave me something to work on at work! :)

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Behind the Wheel

This afternoon, I finally finished my last two hours of driving lessons. The last time I drove was around two or three weeks ago, so you could just imagine that it was still difficult. Haha. (but really, I wished the instructor didn't spend the 2 hours seemingly giving a sermon or sometimes holding the steering wheel hahaha. How could I learn if you steer it for me, gosh).

As we drove past the streets of different towns in Imus, the radio was playing old, mostly 90s songs ~ Rivermaya (back when it was still Bamboo), Parokya ni Edgar, Siakol, even a few Eraserheads ("Drive" pa! Sakto). I can't help reminiscing the times when I was in elementary and we were riding the school bus. Those carefree days when you would go home with friends ~ singing songs, playing childish games, racing to the window seat (because it was non-aircon), constantly taunting/teasing each other. My idea of fun has never changed.

I remember my first day at school way back in grade one where a guy who turned out to be my best friend had a crush on me, and he kept giving me stationery and paper. I remember playing football (not American type) and my Barbie shoes flew but I made it into a homerun and how good I was at dodgeball (now I just suck). The bullies lurking and some others who came after me and how I got sweet revenge without meaning to. How our music class were singing lessons and I actually enjoyed biology. Really, when those 90s songs play, it's just old-school good vibes all the way.

As I was driving, I imagined that what if I was driving next to my elementary school bus, and my Grade 1 self was looking backwards. What would she think of me? And what would I say to her?

For the past 20 years I thought my life was absolutely random. I read a lot of books, transferred to a lot of schools, listened to a lot of music genres, played outside too much, cut too many papers, drew on too many surfaces, ran wild too far, caught too many spiders and bugs, met too many classmates...

It was only now that I realize those weren't random at all. They were a huge part of who I am now. My six year old self didn't even envision her twenty year old future. That I would be... studying in Mendiola, then Rizal, then Laguna, then Quezon City, then actually graduate, move out, and work. That I would meet this person whom I would call my best friend, but would eventually grow apart. That this person will fill my dreams but later on I would move on as if nothing happened. That this person will make a good first impression, and would still be after years of friendship. That this person will make me question who I was but only until the next year. That this suspicious person would introduce me to a whole new life and community.

The story would be too long to tell to my six year old self. It's amazing how those memories came in full circle. The streets, the stops, the bumps, the turns, and the moving. Everything was important. Right then and there, with "Buloy" playing, I thought I could die satisfied at that moment. HAHAHA.

But... life is yet to continue. Who knows, maybe the limo driving behind me... is my 50-year-old self! The manang driver, that is. Chos. :))

Oh happily ever after, wouldn't you know...
Do I end up happy?
-He Is We

Regardless of the circumstances, my life has been such a fun road trip. :)