Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Happy Father's Day!

To the man who buys me things when I cry / get angry
To man who forgives first when we argue
To the man who wishes me luck during my job interviews
To the man who is proud of me regardless if I'm not cum laude
To the man who believes in me more than I believe in myself
To the man who never fails to make us laugh, at will or not
To the man who counsels me with every decision
but never gets in the way of my diskarte
To the man who is a good son
To the man who sleeps early and wakes up early
To the man who prioritizes exercising and healthy diet
To the man who goes to work even if he is limp
To the man who never fails to call and text me everyday
To the man who is more hurt than I am
To the man who is proud but is humble
To the man who holds parties every Christmas Day for the kids
To the man who is reliable for his relatives


Monday, June 18, 2012

My independence day

Ever since April 21, I started not to ask my parents for an allowance. So right now I'm living on my savings and some earnings from my previous employment and with the business. Which isn't sustainable, if you ask me, but a real blessing nonetheless.

Finding work is difficult. Not exactly the job itself, but a job worth it. There are a lot of combinations to consider, such as companies, salaries, nature of work, location, shifts and your general trajectory. It's the trajectory part that is difficult for me. Right now I'm filtering jobs into what I think I could do for the next couple of years. It's difficult to handle opportunities as they arrive. You just want to grab them all since you have none. But then, you consider your vision and you realize you have to say "no" to many good offers, too. If you look at the long-term, plenty of short-term, tempting things will have to be rejected. IT'S SO HARD.

I haven't experienced rejection, although with the company I'm currently applying at, I'm pretty apprehensive.   Today I came home from the second interview. Come Saturday I will get the results if I make it to the final one, but still I can't help feeling jittery. You are expectant, but at the same time, you have to ready yourself for a call that may never come.

During the first screening, I was totally confident, to the point that I am laughing softly at how we look like high school students who just transferred to a new school. The applicants (including myself) are quiet around each other. But today, after coming from a no-sleep kind of retreat, I was a bit tired and sickly. The rain didn't help. But I loved waking up and dressing with skirts and heels even as I commute (the wonders of clothing). I'm also thankful for that handshake I was able to give before leaving the room, but I'm kinda worried because of the answers I gave. Maybe it's the applicant paranoia. Still, I'm hoping to get that notification on Saturday. If not... then I'm off to another direction. "No" is also a direction. Dead ends will lead you to the finish line, too.

I asked a friend, who is working for the Philippine Stock Exchange and is happily employed, how she got her job. She said she started applying in June and got accepted on September. SEPTEMBER. I can't even think about waiting that long. It will probably drive me nuts. But knowing this I realized the test of patience I should endure.

So if you're reading this, whisper a little prayer for me or wish me an encouragement. Also for my other friends who are meticulously looking for jobs. Thanks!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Back to the Dancefloor

I'm not good at dancing. Usually, there are just awkward movements and a whole lot of embarrassment. But that accidental PE I took two years ago changed my views. It was the last slot. The type that made you say, "Give me any PE, just a PE!" The slot was for Latin Ballroom. And I LOVED it. I realized that I liked dances that are slow and strong, coz I'm really not the shuffling type. For a while, after my PE, I trained with an org, but the schedule won't allow me to continue so I had to stop. (Then, I trained for mixed martial arts. Haha, how different can it get?)

Latin ballroom is close to my heart because of its principles (naks!). I can't say that I'm good at it, but the movements are a bit natural for me, with my weird posture and all (when I was a kid, people would ask if mom trained me to walk with a book on my head. I don't understand). It was an advantage.

What's unusual about Latin ballroom is that it says something bout men and women. Even though it looks like a girly dance, or at least, a non-manly dance, it actually teaches a lot about manliness. Forget the unbuttoned shirts for a while okay? Haha.

Often, it is the man that leads the dance. Even though he looks like the less dominant partner because of the flimsy outfit and movement of the woman, he actually dictates the steps by the way he holds her hands and waist. As my PE instructor said, "She can dance all she want, but with a single hand gesture from the guy, she stops and does another step". It's very subtle. The woman is the scene stealer of course, with her outfit and beautiful movements and the way she charms the audience. It is goal of the man is to make her shine, to show her off to the world, and give her all the time to make an impression while he handles the direction of the dance.

I am reminded of this as I went to my first class outside school. I have actually started taking classes again HAHA. Not planning to be a pro or anything, but it feels good. How refreshing and energizing it is to be back. :)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Missing Friends

It's so weird. Sometimes when people message me saying "I miss you", I wonder if they sent it wrongly, maybe to a namesake, and then they're too awkward to say, "Oops" so they go on anyway. Shucks, am I that paranoid? XD

Overall, I'm missing a lot of people. And I'm thankful for friends.

Friends who will give you load because your parents are not as prompt. Friends who believe in you more than you ever believe in yourself -- so much that they believed you could be some fashion blogger when you think you suck at dressing up. Friends who will call you up randomly, or when they hate being at home because of some fight and then you'd meet. Friends who will schedule dates with you. Friends who are not afraid to admit they're not okay when you ask them how they are. Friends who appreciate you for asking how they are. Friends you kinda feel annoyed about because they keep saying "I miss you" but then doesn't make time, but you love them anyway. Friends who plan future travels together when all of you are available, even though those things never happen.

Thank God for friends, really.

I doubt if I ever am a good friend. In fact, I told myself I didn't want a best friend because I don't think I can fulfill the roles of a best friend. But for people considering me as a friend/best friend anyway, thank you. You make me learn how to love slowly.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Pag di ka Okey

Tagalog naman.

Badtrip talaga tong umagang to eh. Isang simpleng tanong pagkagising ko, "San po kayo pupunta?" May kasama pang ngiti dahil hindi naman kami nagkikita buong araw. Ang naging sagot sa'kin ay taas-kilay at pagmamataray. Sinubukan kong sumagot ng maayos, ngunit ganon pa rin ang binalik.

Kakagising ko lang. Hindi ko maproseso ang mga bagay-bagay. Sabi ko na lang, "Okay, time to leave." At nagkulong ako sa kwarto. Napakagandang usapan. Grabe.

Ang kakaiba pa dun, tila nagsisi itong taong nagbunganga at kumatok at pumasok sa pinto ko. Nanggugulo. Nagpapatawa. Tingin mo ba ayos lang ang lahat? Tingin mo mababawi iyon nang hindi ka nagsosorry? Tingin mo ngingiti na lang ako bigla? Tapos kung makapag-goodbye pa napakasaya na parang tinatabunan ang nagawang kasalanan. Seryoso?


Nakakabadtrip na ang ayos-ayos ng tanong mo. Gusto mo lang ng small talk para naman mag-usap kayo, tapos kung ano-ano lang ang pinapamukha sa'yo. Kung ano ano ang sinisisi at sinusumbat. Tapos pag nagsisi babalikan ka na parang wala lang. Na parang kakalimutan na lang ang kabastusan at tatapalan ng pagmamagandang loob.

Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang halaga ng sorry. Tulad niya rin talaga ako eh. Alam kong nagsisisi ako pero hindi ako nagsosorry. Pero iba pala talaga. May mga bagay na hindi talaga okey. Na humihingi talaga ng karampatang paghingi ng tawad. At hindi lang ito dahil nagmamataas ako ng loob, kundi inaamin ko rin na nasaktan ako.

Tingin ko kung nakapag-proseso pa ko kung ano-ano lang din ang masasabi ko. Siguro mabuti na ring kakagising ko lang. Pero ang sakit pala ay tumitigas upang maging galit. Ayoko ng sinasabing nasaktan ako kasi ayoko maaapektuhan ng kahit sino. Wala silang kapangyarihan para magawa iyon. Pero sino ba ang niloloko ko? Pambihira. Sorry lang talaga ang kailangan ko. Pakiramdam ko hindi ko magagawang maging ayos sa taong iyon hangga't hindi ko naririnig.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012



It's been out of season for years but I like how washed up it looks.
Also because I like my wavy hair and I air dry it all the time
/stuff people need to know -_-

One of my wildest dreams is to start two blogs:
One for fashion and the other one for Christians.

You can laugh.
Coz I'm not good at both.
At all.

But tomorrow I promised my friend who encouraged me to start the first one that I will. I was supposed to wait for a tripod, but who cares, I'm sick and can't get out of the house to spread my germs to the world, so I might as well be productive.

Here's a bonus for the second one: I found a list of "top blogs"! Sweet!! Not that I'll be copying them, but finally some good reads :D

Sometimes I realize how annoying this could be for people not close to me. "Sam's blog. She keeps mentioning "God" on her post, and gets all touchy-feely. Geez." I'm sorry. I'm not like this in real life, and that's my problem. I was recently offended by an online post made by someone related to me. There was a temptation to answer back, but I let it go because it won't solve anything. And then I realize how they would have thought of me if they read my blog. Maybe they'd be weirded out. But, oh well. Whatever mention of God here is not a programmed thing. I just wish I carried it with me all the time.

Good night.
My sinuses need some rest.

Let me be myself before I put on those corporate clothes and wake up with an alarm clock.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Missing School and Sociology

My last semester in UP was a blur to me. I was crying and working and laughing and cherishing the moment. It was the semester when I lived in a dorm within campus, so that dinners were more frequent and late, and we would stay longer at someone else's house. It meant I had more Maginhawa St., adventures and time to go home and catch some sleep in between classes (often skipping them altogether). The weekends spent in the provincial jail doing my thesis, and sacrificing canteen time with library time.

By the time I took my last-ever exam of my college life, which is my birthday, I threw all things about school away -- my readings, my files and graded papers. Every time our relatives ask me if I want to continue studying, I say, "No," in my mind, "Never". I was completely exhausted by the 18 units with thesis semester that I can't comprehend going back.

As June marches in, students' summer vacation is over. A lot of them are busy enrolling and enlisting. I've had one of the best and most eventful summers of my life. I could make a collage out of it, even. My planner wasn't able to keep up with all the activities. But as I watch some of my friends going back to school, and me, searching for my second job while keeping the online business, I realized that I do miss school.

Not so much, though. It's like being haunted by the corridors of Palma Hall, the clock you watch as you pass by, the photocopiers holding your precious readings of the day, the stores you take short trips to before you get inside the class, the seats that nestles you for the next one and a half hour. It's like an old feeling already, despite only two months of break.

And then there's Sociology. It's so weird of me that I can't describe Sociology to people other than the generic "Oh it's a study of society", without elaborating on the large concept of society -- communication, religion, education, deviance, collective behavior, institutions and woah, so much more. Two years into the course, I practically loathed how Sociology was a sum of opinions from so-called dead white men. The concepts are extremely abstract and unheard of that I would stare at my readings all night and sleep without understanding anything. It got worse before it got better. What a love-hate relationship it was.

But now I miss it. The analysis and application, The theory and practice. The papers and research. I worked for a consultancy firm before, which was research and was doing very well but I decided to quit because I didn't want to live my life in front of a computer. But it made me proud that I can write for foreign dissertations, and actually learn from what I was researching. Dang, I miss it! And also this blog that I never got to update anymore. A collection of whizzing and woozy thoughts.

After school, and after vacation, it's not only the students who will go back to the halls of leaning. I guess I will, too. It's just that it's located in a different place called "the real world", which is such a cliche by the way. Whatever. Another classroom it is.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

The Lost get Found

Be a Hero

Find a Hero

For your Hero

I thought I have learned this as I was doing my thesis inside a provincial jail.
What God taught me in this Hope is that God could touch the lives of even unlikely people.
(Even if that unlikely person is you.)
No person is unreachable, or could not fit in his arms, or could not experience his love.
It doesn't matter if you are not a good person, or if you're not inspired enough,
or if you don't know him enough,
even if you find the talk of God is incredibly awkward and serious-sounding.
We were gifted with His story as much as our enemies, as much as strangers
from all walks of life, from various backgrounds and stories.
God is everywhere.
He can make a difference to everyone.

HOPE wasn't the easiest or the smoothest spiritual immersion at all. It was by far the most difficult, most challenging but the BEST experience I've had in sharing Christ. 348 people in 4 days?

I really don't know what made it so. It was maybe because he worked better than all of us. We were caught in such a powerful, unstoppable wave.