Monday, December 31, 2012

New Project

Project 365?
Using my camera everyday?
Framing a real-life scene artistically?

I'm trying to talk myself out of doing this. It's impossible. It's that one project I know I can't do or finish. I'm not a photographer. I just like remembering. Maybe I'd rather do a 365 Random Acts of Kindness and it will make the world a better place. Or a 365 Poetry since I'm wordy. Having too many photos and overdocumenting annoys me. But there is something so temptingly cute about this little photo/art that made it look so cool and easy. And made me want to be part of the challenge:

A day at a time.

I'll try. I really will.
Keep shooting.
Reopening my Flickr.

Let's get rolling, '13.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Fear for the New Year

Last night I was sleeping at my grandmother's house in the province. We just came from a reunion, and I lately I was awestruck at God's amazing works this year. Truly unspeakable awesomeness! Then, sudden terror overcame me. A fear of the unknown year.

What will happen next year? What if the next will be worse than the last? What if God chose to take away something I depended on? What if God made me (oh heavens) wait for something I wanted for a long time? What if I fail or lose big time? What if something happens to people I care about? What if dreams never come true? What if we were put into huge, irreparable danger? What if people go broke, die, walk away, hurt me, or develop terminal illness?

This brought me down to my knees. It seemed childish, but I was really afraid of all this... the unknown. I chose to fall back into His reassuring arms and listen to a few songs on repeat: Safe by Phil Wickham, The Same God by New Song, Something Heavenly by Sanctus Real (I urge you to listen to them if you feel the same way). And was reminded.

Of course, 2013 will be difficult. No doubt about it. There will be tears, trials, conflicts, indecision, failure, tragedies... many unknown things that could be truly frightening, truly terrible. But the same God that blessed me this year will not change next year.

God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It sounds cliche. We've heard it all before. But God does not know New Year's, centuries, annual events, or millenia -- God is the same. God holds time. 2013 is a fresh page on the calendar for us, but God had everything all figured out from the beginning to the end. God had mapped the times we have separated in years: 10,000 BC... 1521... 1992... 2013... 2024... 2487... xxxx. All the days of our lives, all eternity, down to the measurement of seconds. Our infinity is finite for God. There are no shadows of turning for Him. And even though I am a mere dot in his timeline, I am never out of his sight.

This comforted me and brought me out of my worry. It did not erase the fact that the worst ideas I have of 2013 may come true -- or that there could actually be worst than all my worse ideas! But it assured me that I will still be held by God. Nothing will escape his sight, and we will go through the years -- my whole lifetime -- together. No matter how difficult it will be, there will always be hope. God said that he will never leave us nor forsake us.

2013... I no longer fear you for you belong to God. :)

PS. A glimpse of a past New Year.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Old Homes

I haven't seen these guys (as a group) in monthssssss. In fact, it goes way back to my birthday last March. Our tradition of coming together for a member's birthday (dating way back high school) was broken this year because of mixed up schedules and places to be. I am so grateful that God still allowed us to meet for Christmas, or else I'll be really sad haha.

It was a bit nostalgic going back to Rizal. There are many amusing things -- amusing things that I missed and amusing things that I don't miss, such as the difficulty of getting a jeep in Katipunan at night, the patok jeeps, the streets we walked on, the restaurants we ate at, the homes we hung out at in our uniforms, the things we did in these places, the mall that was a walking distance away from our old house.

Amazing how it was never difficult to catch up, for there were no awkward silences like that of among strangers. I felt a part of me emerge again -- who I am when I'm with them. And it was surprising that most people were there.

Looking back, God did a lot for me this year. I can't even begin to thank him. But I guess I'll save it for a New Year post. :)

Merry Christmas. :)

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I'm coming back to the heart of... ministry

Ministry. Something I have always desired but has always been a butterfly I can't seem to pin down.

It's been so long since I breached the topic outside my private circle. It has always been difficult. But I can still manage before. Now that I have thousands of things to be thankful for, that I find myself murmuring "Thank you God" out of the blue, the whispers can't seem to come with an audible voice for other people to hear.

My ministry muscles have turned to fat, and fear has kept a comfortable place within the corners of my heart. And to come out of the rock to see the sunshine now means a lot of work. I enjoy my times with Him, but I can't seem to express it comfortably outside my doors. Yes I might have said a lot of words to others pointing to him, but somehow it's incomplete. Something is lost, and that is, being intentional. To have the conviction to say that no, I'm not trying to give you advice, I'm leading you to Him.

Ministry has never been easy. Even as I approached students and children before, there is still that sick feeling in your gut asking you to back off. But the first step, the first "Hi!" with a smile was enough to keep the fears away until I finish the words. And now as I approach the people I have worked with the last five months (at most), I can't seem to say a word about Him who has been so generous to me to even place me there.

Tomorrow, as I pray for a scheduled meeting, all I ask for is an intentional approach. Not to talk about marginal things such as passion, ambition, or even vision. But at the core, God. With boldness and conviction, God, and just God. May I forget my fears, myself, to put him on the foreground of my identity.

Sunday, December 16, 2012


My heart is leaping right now, and my hands are shaking. The article I wrote a few months back got published in the Youngblood section of Inquirer WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEE. Although it's part of my current job to publish articles (and have published too :D), the glory of the byline and writing a piece for you and not for a company is different. :D

This is my third article in the section, first one was 2008, second 2009, and after three years of trying to follow it, I finally published again! One item off my bucket list. :> My first article was about death, the second was about being drunk, and now about finding my calling -- finally something positive :)) I sent way way way more articles than I published, so I hope people would send theirs too!!

It's a bit embarrassing to be published. It's like you're laying down private thoughts for someone to read -- making a piece of your life an open book. But I am hoping to see this as a gift instead of just a skill. A gift I could give to people and offer to God.

Thank you Lord. To You be the glory. :)

*Here is the online version:

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Church. Family.

Last Friday I went on an overnight at a churchmate's place. Christine is from the US, and it's the first time I met kids (that I also knew she had kids~! haha). It's first time to actually see a Christian family interaction. Even before, we didn't really go to mass together as a family to meet a Christian family, and if we do, it's not like we get to know the families of people inside the church. Sometimes neighbors can be too close that you don't really make an effort to know them more.

But here -- children, mommy, Christmas decors, homemade dinner, movie, conversation. It's too cute! When we went to the service the next day, there were kids there too. Fathers, mothers, daughters, a son. I've been used to calling the church a family, but it has never become more real than that time since I was used to having my peers around.

So that's what it meant... It's amazing, to have a family that is centered on God like some sort of a mini church. For the mom to encourage her daughter to have a quiet time. For the dad to lead the household in prayer. For the children to be thoughtful enough to create gifts for their parents. So awesomeee. It was difficult to claim that someday I'll have one of those because it's still pre-mature for me, which kinda difficult if you are usually with friends/officemates older than you.

What God has been impressing in me for now is mission. If it's being a missionary, I would never know. But I would love to have that kind of action in my life, for a lifetime. I have a story about work. I handled an account a few months ago, and really enjoyed doing so to the point that it made me want to stay for an entire year. But the account president met with my boss and said they will cut the PR next year to make way for other priorities, and we'll be around only for ad hoc projects.

The good news is that they praised me to my boss, which is touching especially for the short time I've worked with them and the fact that I haven't even met them. But I wondered what God is doing. Why did he take away that reason to stay? The cause of my closeness with my officemates and boss? The work that I lovingly tended to and now was praised for?

My quiet time is from George Verwer, the founder of Operation Mobilisation, and I'm applying for  community development internship abroad (how I wish) and everything is pointing to missions (to me, a broader version of social entrepreneurship). And as I was on my home to the province last night, I longed for using my resources for the kingdom. Something inside me is waiting to be born, nurtured, and mature -- and it was difficult to even entertain. The Scripture points to clear things, but your heart clings to comfort and conformity so closely.

What I know for sure is that I'm glad to have gotten a glimpse of a family and to be a part of a family who is never about just about its members, but mostly about its Head. Never about being too comfortable at home, but finding a home between the battles and brokenness. Never about being perfect, but finding forgiveness, love, and care with each other. How blessed I am to be part of it!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Old Multiply Post #3: "Rebound Love"

*Haha. Read this again.


May bago akong crush! Hindi siya cute. Sa katunayan, siya ay boring, kumplikado, at madrama.

Nakilala ko na siya noon. Pero hindi ko siya nagustuhan. Kahit sino namang makakilala sa kanya, hindi siya nagugustuhan.

Emo siya, at halimaw lang talaga ang nakikipag-kaibigan sa kanya. Kaya hindi ko siya pinansin. Panay problema lang ang bukambibig niya eh. Dun nalang ako sa iba na masasarap kasama. Nagpatuloy yun sa loob ng ilang taon.

PERO NGAYON, naramdaman ko ang kawalan niya sa buhay ko. Ngayon ko lang narealize na mahalaga pala siya sakin - na hindi ako mabubuhay ng matino kung wala siya. Masakit man sa pride, oo kailangan ko siya. Ngayon nagsisisi ako kung bakit hindi ko siya pinapansin noon. Namimintas pa nga ako. Nagsasabi ng "Wala kang kwenta, bakit ka pa pinanganak..!" Ngayon, ako naman ang may kailangan. At tila hindi na niya ako pinapakinggan. Gumaganti siya... .Ouch.

Pero magpapakatotoo ako. Mamahalin ko siya dahil kailangan ko siya. Kung gusto niyang sinusuyo siya edi sige, suyuin.

Sana lang ay matumbasan ang mga gagawin ko sa mga susunod na mga araw. Ang pagtutuon ng pansin sa kanya. Ang pagbibigay oras para intindihin siya. Lahat iyon gagawin ko. Kailangan ko lang talaga siya. Nakikinig ka ba, Math? Pramis, hindi na kita itatakwil uli.. Di na kita babalewalain. Wag ka naman masyadong hard-to-get.. :l

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Old Multiply Post #2: "Titulo"

*Here's a profound piece from four years ago. Can you guess what this is about? :)


Isang storya.

Merong isang tao na sa loob ng dalawang buwan ay nakuha ang titulo ng buhay ko na ‘special someone’.Dalawang  buwan lang, pagkatapos pina-surrender ko na ung titulo. Pero umabot ako ng kulang-kulang sa isa’t kalahating taon bago nabawi. Ang tagal ng delay time. E bakit ko pa ba pina-surrender? Maraming dahilan. Pero puro mabababaw. Masyadong maaga kong naibigay, hindi ko pina-alam sa mga magulang ko na may pagbibigyan ako ng titulo, at kami mismo ay madalas na hindi magkasundo sa negosasyong naganap.

Madaming beses sa loob ng isa’t kalahating taon na yon na gusto kong ipa-sakanya na lang muli yung titulo, tutal sa kanya pa din naman naka-pangalan yun. Mahirap nang burahin, magmamarka pa. Wala pati akong nakitang ibang tao na karapat-dapat na makuha yon. Meron ding mga panahon na dinedemand ko sa sarili ko na kunin ko na agad para maibigay ko na sa iba, kahit dun sa pinaka-malapit na tao na lang. Minsan sinasabi ng ibang tao, lalo na ng mga kamag-anak na hindi naman ako kilala,  na wag munang ibigay ang titulo sa iba dahil ako’y bata pa daw. Hindi lang nila alam na nabigay ko na, at hindi ko pa nakukuha. Kaya natatawa na lang ako.

Sabay lumipas ang maraming oras buwan at taon. Hindi na din ako naghanap ng maaaring paghandugan ng titulo. Nawalan na ang halaga noong tao na yon na dating sukdulan ang importansya, unti-unti, mabagal pero gradwal, pabalik-balik pero deretso pa din, sapagkat nawalan na siya ng partisipasyon sa araw-araw kong pamumuhay. Expired na sa kanya yung titulo. Lahat ng alaala ko sa kanya ay puro nakalipas na. Hanggang tingin na lamang, pag-uusap ng kaunti, minsan pag-aaway muli, basta pakiramdaman na lang. Mahirap maging batayan iyon ng kaligayahan at lalo pa ng personal na titulo. Noong hindi ko pinilit, saka ako nakabitaw. Kinabukasan, nakita ko na sa pinto ko uli yung titulo. Wala na siyang pangalan.

Ewan ko kung alam niyang naibalik na ang kay tagal niyang hinawakan at hindi pinakinabangan. Kawalan na niya, kasi dati ako naman yung nawalan ng matagal. Siguro ay makakahanap din siya ng ibang titulo mula sa ibang tao. Magaling siya doon kahit hindi niya paghirapan.

Napansin ko nga lang noong ilang araw na na sa akin pa yata yung titulo niya, at gusto niya ding bawiin sa akin pero hindi niya alam kung pano. Wala naman akong magawa, pero nais ko siyang tulungan na burahin ang pangalan ko at maiabot na ito muli sa kanya. Ang problema niya, hindi naman natuturo ang proseso ng pagwi-withdraw ng titulo. Mas matagal pa pala ang delay time niya, nakaka-guilty. Sana na lang na matulungan ko siya. Pagkatapos noon, malaya na siyang maibigay sa iba.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Old Multiply Post: "Gumballs"

*Warning: This was a hilarious post from my freshman self! A sneak peak at blogging 2008. :))


Last night
Friend: Sam, anong zodiac sign mo?
Ako: Aries
Friend: (type type sa laptop) Ui sabi sa horoscope mo, avoid unnecessary gumballs..
Ako: (napangiti) Gumballs?...
Friend: Ang ibig sabihin, huwag kanga gad-agad pupusta.
Ako: Aaaaa!............. Hahaha! Gambles!!!!.................... Hahaha! Akala ko gumballs... (tumigil na sa kakatawa, baka maka-offend)

Nag-gumball ako today. Mayroon kasi akong isang napaka-laking regret last year. Isang katangahan, katamaran.

Kasi, ina-announce noong December 16 or 17 na walang pasok. Edi masaya ako kasi yun ang araw na may exercises kami sa MATH 11, ECON 11, at NASC 5. Edi dahil nga “walang pasok”, hindi ako pumasok. NGUNIT. Nagklase ang NASC 5. At nag-long quiz. 50 items. NA-MISS KO. At walang make-up.

Ngayon, nag-NASC 5 na. Ayoko talaga ng subject na iyon. Ayoko sa lessons na parang review ng High school Biology pero walang punto. Medyo ayoko sa professor kahit magaling siya (madami daw award) at nakakatawa (to the point na akala ko yung jokes niya yung lesson). Pumasok ako sa klase na first meeting this year. At medyo gloomy pa ko sa alaala ng na-miss na quiz.

Nagsimula ang lecture. Sabay dumating sa The Water Cycle. Nagtanong si Sir kung sinong makakapag-explain ng water cycle (may powerpoint sa harap). Naghanap ng volunteer. Wala. Nagtawag sa bawat group, baka may volunteer.Inisa-isa. Wala pa din. Hanggang kinuha niya ang mike at nagtutututok sa mga estudyante na gustong magvolunteer. Tinuro niya sa’ken. Kilala na niya ako. Dahil ako yung tangang nag-text sa kanya ng ”Sir, diba wala pong pasok kahapon?” Ako yung habang naglelecture siya ay tahimik lang at minsan nang nagsabing ”What’s the question?” Ako yung isa sa mga huling estudyante na nalaman niya ang pangalan (mahilig at magaling siyang magmemorize ng names). Basta ako yung mediocre (aww). At tinutok niya ang mike sa’ken.

Binigyan siya ng pride ko ng tatlong segundo upang bawiin ang mike. Sa loob ng 3 seconds, naghintay siyang kunin ko ang mikropuno. ”Sam?” sabi niya. Tatlong segundo. 1. 2. 3. At hindi na nakayanan ng pride ko ang ikaapat na segundo. Kinuha ko ang mikropuno.. Naginhawaan yata ang mga kaklase ko dahil may nag”volunteer” na.

Ayun, inexplain ko ang water cycle. Ang precipitation, condensation, cloud formation, infiltration, transpiration (na nahulaan ko ang ibig sabihin), surface run-off, at iba pa. Natapos ko. Walang tanong naman mula sa mga kaklase (hay salamat!). ”Sige, dahil diyan you get plus ten sa long quiz”. Wow?! Sabi nung isa ”Ay sayang dapat pala ako din!” Ako naman, natuwa na din dahil 10/50 ang score ko sa first quiz. At hindi ako nag-aral. At in the first place ni hindi ko nahawakan yung papel. Salamat! Gagalingan ko na ngayon. Pramis, I shall take more GUMBALLS.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Senti over Multiply

So maybe four months after it was announced, it was only now that I'm lamenting over Multiply. My highly-documented high school to college transition years are about to be flushed tomorrow and I can't help, as I save thousands of photos manually, being a little sadddddd.

Looking back at the photos, I just realized how few people really stay. When I was in grade one, the catchphrase "Friends forever" was quite trendy. In fact, we said it all the way to grade school, until it became too corny towards the end of high school. We planned on living in the same village as each other, and our children would grow up together and we would own horses and ride them at sunsets (for real, haha).

Now the expectations for friendships are a little bit lower, to the point of not expecting at all. With fear and a little doubt, we say, "I hope we will be friends forever".

This kind of perspective about life -- the fleetingness of it -- reminds me of my feelings towards death before. I wasn't very scared of death because it would only be a momentary state. But the last dot of your biography while others' would continue is kinda sad. You won't be there to see your friends succeed, your family grow, your career blossom, or your country prosper (and all the other negative counterparts). Instead, you'll just become a passive ghost that ceased to exist. And your cold body will have no choice but to be completely fine with it. All that will be left is some marble grave to prove you were born.

The braces removed, the outdated fashion senses, the awkwardness of growing up, the frequent nights spent in various other places, the comfortable overstays, the yearly birthday and Christmas celebrations and summer vacations, the slow movement of people away and towards each other. What will stay? It's kinda sad realizing the fact that the people you're with now will probably in another place with another group of people in a few years. And that at some point, you'll be completely fine with it. All that will be left is some digital file to prove you've been together. "Life goes on" can be a creepy comfort.

Speaking offff. Since Multiply's SN features will be terminated tomorrow, I have a few hours and two other things due tomorrow. No choice but to really suck it up and save the files quickly. Oh Multiply. All the mysteries of post-maturity (?) gone. It's so sad for a person who never wants to forget (and who has kept decade-old letters) but I guessss, I'm left with no other choice. Mourn with me.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Lazy Sunday

Photo walking thanks to Yam's cam.

How refreshing it is to spend a weekend differently.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Cafe duties

Tengo mucho cansado!

I have more sympathy with helpers and workers now. Tonight was my second night at the cafe. It's not out of compulsion to be there, actually. But we want to take a bottom-up approach to restaurant management (haha). Mine is during dinner time, straight out of work.

I didn't realize how back-aching washing dishes was. HAHAHA. Seriously. I could go for many games consist of running, but making sure the bowls are clean are quite challenging. :| At least I learned how to make their salad and vinaigrette. I could possibly have a contribution for Christmas Noche Buena (hahaha).We stay there until the store closes, working closely with the ate's, and that's when we run through what happened through the day.

Somehow I feel like a researcher -- doing kinda like what I do at school. Observing the inefficiencies, when the rules are not strictly followed, the missing pieces that could have made things easier, and the feelings of the people working together. Let's just say that it's not perfect. Sometimes I feel like sending out survey forms and making recommendations by the end of the day :)) Still, that's why we're there!

Also, be patient and extra kind with waiters, dishwashers, cooks, and your house helpers. Their tasks may not have required a college degree, but it is in fact more difficult work. I can't even imagine doing a full shift at a restaurant without getting sick the next day. And they're getting paid peanuts for it. Their worth is not attached to their work. Be kind.

Thursday, November 22, 2012


A lot of times I feel like that little guy up there. When I have the free time at work, I blog and read... and dream. Today I was going to be given my own calling card, and I'm not sure if I will rejoice. Now that we have two new teammates, it was hard not to think that there's a way out.

But I'm not going out yet.

Tonight after work I went to the cafe for some shift. Hardly was able to do anything there because it closes at 8 and I arrived at 6:30. There was a lot of things to fix. The space was small and the staff were few for some elaborate reorganization. Basically, watching Ate make the salad, taking the food to people (which was weird because I'm in more or less formal attire), washing some dishes after, and nibbling at some food was all I did. Haha. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. And look forward to actually learning how to cook.

Walking home left me plenty of time to think. I felt like some college kid doing a lot of extra-curriculars at school. Watching the huge houses at our village makes me think about home. I wish my parents were here. And I imagined coming up to one gate, entering the door, finding food on the table and my family watching the television. Then climbing up my own bed in my own room to shed off all the work callouses for some good rest. My Dad was one text away from picking me up and my Mom was right across the table to listen to what happened today. It was almost real and I wished it was real. But it was a bit close to impossible. They are settled in Cavite, with their jobs and so was my older brother, with his studies. Seems like there was no other way. They simply can't leave just because I wanted to stay here. The same way I didn't choose to stay at home back there. But I'm still thankful because I could at least imagine it. That it was possible to be in that kind of family set-up, only the circumstances would not allow it. Sometimes I wonder if it can still happen... But maybe there's still hope.

How was your Thanksgiving?

This may not last but this is now,
So love the ones you're with

Sunday, November 18, 2012

What's wrong with "You can do it"

this is a rant. you've been warned.

My parents have a high regard for me. And that has always been my problem.

It's not that their standards are too high and they are forcing me to reach them. In fact, they let me be most of the time because they trust me. Which means, I'm always left alone because they think that I can fend for myself even if they could afford to help me. Which in turn, forces me to become independent. So, I'm "independent" because they have already rendered themselves undependable.

Sometimes I hear them saying to people that they are... somewhat proud of me. "Sam went to Indonesia without asking us for support. There were times she forgot to ask for allowance for a week and she survived. She bought her camera without asking for a single cent. She finished 18 units with thesis and her course for four years because we said she'll have to pay for the extra semesters if she extends. Now she's working and we never gave her anything right after graduation day."

In my mind I'm rolling my eyes saying, "Because you don't -- and won't -- give me anything."

What's unfair is that they are completely different with my brothers. Sometimes when it's late and traffic they would go to Manila to fetch them. And yet they let me be when I'm stuck in traffic. They buy them all sorts of stuff -- clothes, basketball shoes, and the likes because they use their money for other things. And me? They think I have my own taste, I'm good at budgeting, and I can buy my own things so they skip me. And to think that I'm the only girl. I feel like an adopted child (no offense).

It's like they give me these challenges because they know I will overcome them. And I am left with no choice but to overcome them, which amazes them so that they give me more challenges. It makes me feel like an athlete more than a daughter. That I have coaches instead of parents. I'm at a loss with knowing what to do. It seems like for them, me asking for anything... anything... meant defeat.

Friday, November 9, 2012

What can you see?

That seatmate you've had since the start of the semester
The officemate that always seemed too cranky to chat with
The guy who sweeps the dog poo of your landlord daily
The store owner that smiles at you when you buy Nova again

The laundrywoman that reliably gives back your clothes on time
The house help that has been around for years
The achiever you're too intimidated to introduce yourself to
The old schoolmate that you haven't kept in touch with for a while

The friend that you haven't forgiven yet
The pastor that gives meaningful sermons weekly
The roommate that sits quietly in front of the laptop for hours
The parent that picks you up and drives you home

Sometimes we forget that we live in such a small world with such a finite time
And become satisfied with the silence, the anonymity, the brief meaningless interactions
that could easily be replaced a livelier, more familiar, more repetitive one.

We forget that people have stories to tell and friendships to share
if only you have given them a chance.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Unexpected Friendship

She's probably one of the people whom I'm most comfortable talking to. Without pretensions. We can laugh at evil things and reveal the more sensitive ones and insult each other and have both idle and intense conversations. We never had fights before, I swear. And it's always like I can tell whatever it is on my mind--good and bad--and she won't judge me. Add that to the common ground of Sociology and Christianity.

If it wasn't for church, I swear she wouldn't be my friend.

I remember when I first saw this photo, I couldn't stop laughing!

That's her on the leftmost and me on the rightmost. Apparently, she was my groupmate when we were freshies at IT 1 (information technology) and we didn't even talk and I can't even remember her being my groupmate. We're blockmates but we never spoke a word to each other on our first year. Guess I was really snobbish then. And she has a sorority for sisters. Or maybe it just wasn't time. This was the story of "How I Met Her/Stillwaters" (HAHA yuck ang cheezy). But bottom line is, I am 100% sure that we were not going to be friends until God intervened.

We didn't start out as "hey we're gonna be BFFs" or something. It was just week after week of showing up for Bible studies even though we, or at least, I was half-hearted. It wasn't also like we thought we needed a church. But we did, and it was during Square One that I realized that. And that I was glad that I had this person to go through transition with who has a lot to learn as I do. And who has to battle with the same classes as I do.

Now she's inviting me to speak for her organization, and it amazes me even more that friendships can continue after college. I've been so used to transferring schools and changing addresses that I never expected people to stay. So when they choose to stay, I feel really blessed because I know that this person really does love me. The choice. Haha. Lord I hope we do stay. Aaaand she's going to treat me to gelato soon YAAAAHAHAHAHAHAYAYYYYYYYYY. FOOOOOODDD... ICECREAMMMM. LOVEEE. okay.

So yes. Three years of being blockmates and sisters. Partners in crime and vanity shots. Dates and Bible studies. Disciplers (wow I miss that word) and leaders. It helps to have a friend who's not afraid to be as crazy as you truly are underneath. I'm proud! Thank you Lord for gifting me with a friend like Tere. :)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Protective and Possessive

*post inspired by a conversation with a sister. You know who you are ;)

Have you ever considered that you are protective and possessive?

Surely, those words have a negative connotation. Images such as a selfish, manipulative, jealous spouse comes to mind, or maybe a parent who cages his child afraid that harmless play might pollute him or a school system that shelters the mind by suffocating it. I'd hate to be that kind of protective and possessive.

But there are protectiveness and possessiveness that are actually good. A mother protecting her young is an example. She is on the lookout for predators and keeps a close eye on her babies, ready to pounce any moment should a threat materializes and attempts to snatch her young away. If you see this picture, you wouldn't think that she is being selfish and manipulative. Instead, you think, how precious must her child be for her! What a loving instinct.

I realized that protective and possessive is also sometimes what I feel for my brothers and sisters (you could call them my friends). Sometimes you just get overwhelmed by the fallen-ness that you wanted to protect the good thing.

That when you see them persevering, you're just all cheers and applause! And if you see them struggling, you just want to give them encouragement and counsel. It's like cupping your hands around the fire that your brothers and sisters have because you know it's a cold world. And it's not because I was never "lost" or am in a higher position to do so. Maybe it's because of the realization of each other's vulnerability during the journey. In cupping my hands around their fire, I also receive warmth.

One of the most striking verses I ever read was

My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
-James 5:18-21

I have pondered from Aniday's retreat that accountability meant "pushing and pulling". Pushing meant encouraging people to run towards the same goal, and pulling should they start losing sight of the track. To me, a person who says, "You're free, you're having fun, and you have rights, so I'll let you do what you want" doesn't make a good friend. Good friends want to drill things into your mind, reason with you, and slap you in the face if you need it. Out of love, of course. I love those kinds of friends, and I want to be able to say that I am that kind of friend!

Jesus was that kind of friend. Only a gazillion times better, because he does it also to those who are not his "friends" yet.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd.”
-John 10:11-16

How protective is being willing to lay down one's life should enemies come to threaten friends? How possessive is going out to the wilderness to seek out and bring into safety the strangers who are yet to know you? Jesus does that. He's amazing.

Pray that I feel the same conviction for people who are not my friends, too. To be able to say about anyone, "Hey enemy, back off coz this one's ours!"

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Wonder Weekend

Obviously I don't write a lot about what happens in the everyday. So maybe I'll make a difference today.

I really haven't had some downtime until tonight, starting Wednesday. After a media launch, I watched Big Bang's concert, which is the first major concert I ever watched. I thank God for my cousin, Precious, who drove us to the place. I never really pictured myself hanging out with cousins because we're all so far apart. And she's my only cousin who's about my age. And we didn't really plan on watching together, but we shared the same interest, so!

Thursday was a big of a downer. The effect is present until now. Haha. Well, I was supposed to go to work and document something in Laguna. So I hailed a cab to get to the place (yea the morning after the concert) only to find out they already left and they didn't even text me. Danggg. So much effort on a rainy morning. I was pissed and wished that I went to Square One instead of wasting my time there. So I did. Impulsive choice. My boss didn't allow me to, and she was a bit angry for me bailing out on a regular workday. But I threw my cares in the wind and said I'll deal with the consequences later (AKA tomorrow, Monday). I just thought, in ten years, I would probably regret not witnessing the baptism than going to work one day. Still short-sighted, but I can't be forced out.

It was my fourth Square One. I feel a little sad for not making it for a whole week, but no matter. Just that one day, the baptism, was worth it. Has it been four years since I celebrated loving back? Woah. And has it been only a few years that we were the "new people" and now there are newer new people. Woah.

Next morning was the most amazing day in the WORLDDDD. Chos. But I still smile as I remember playing Ultimate frisbee in the mud. First at the amphitheater and second at the track oval. I never really enjoyed Ultimate because I sucked at it and my teammates usually never pass the disc to me HAHAHA so I end up running to and fro, aimlessly. But for some reason I got better. Don't really know why because I avoid every chance of playing the game, but thank God I enjoyeddd. So much so that my limbs are still hurting and my arm has a small bruise.

We had a boodle fight for lunch. Another first! That meant lining up tuyo, tomato with salted eggs, lumpiang shanghai, and rice topped with Chooks to Go in a banana leaf. Homemade, or should I say, Mahiyain-made. Grateful for the people who provided for it! We chowed it down in less than ten minutes, with leche flan afterwards :))

Then I went to the Saved Festival at SM MOA (two concerts in three days. Did I mention it was still Friday?). Another first! No words for Saved. <3 a="a" above="above" check="check" just="just" p="p" song.="song.">
Saturday, my parents woke me up so we could visit my lolo's grave. I was supposed to go to a Halloween event for work, but we won't be going on November 1 so I chose the family trip. We took a trip to Laguna, to Lolo's grave, and to an amazing place in, I think, Calauan. We were taking photos of this wonderland like crazy, especially mom and me! Negligibly, I didn't text my boss that I will not go to "work".. I won't discuss the details here. But sleeping in my grandparents' place was nostalgic. I remember how there used to be chicken pens and leaky ceilings. Now everything is tiled, the rooms are air conditioned, and Dad's mini-office is installed there. All those childhood summer and Christmas breaks spent there.

Early morning we traveled back. I went to work (finally). That's today, Sunday. I went to Rockwell for a Halloween party. I'm not a photographer, at all, but I loved taking pictures there as I do a lot in my work. Just watching the kids dressed as the Avengers, as princesses, walking skulls, receiving candies with smiles on their faces and capturing them. Too sweet :> I laughingly thought to myself that when I have kids, I'll take them to these events. And I'd preferably have five boys and one girl to be Thor, Captain America, the Hulk, Iron Man and then Black Widow. HAHAHA. OKAY.

And now finally, Sunday night, I finally had time to pause. Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday-Sunday, concerts, games, graves, events, food.... I was a roll but I like myself busy. Now I pray for what will happen tomorrow as I face, probably a lecture. But I hope it won't erase the good memories of the past days. God's grace will push me through another week.

Have a blessed week!! :)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

When someone pisses you off

One of the best life lessons people have to learn is to be ~*kebs*~.

To not be too affected of issues. I guess I am a little indifferent and insensitive because drama can be exhausting. Maybe  I trust people to be the same. To know that if I say something that sounds offensive, they'd immediately think, "Oh she didn't mean that" instead of reacting out of proportion.

I hope this could be help for me if I ever get angry in the future, or my friends.

K. For Kebs. :))

The thing is, we are too suspicious of people.

There has been a lot of sarcasm and trash talk that when it comes to serious conflict, we start putting up a tacky carnival of hate statuses, harsh tweets, flaming blogs, raised eyebrows, silent treatments, and other forms of symbolic violence -- most of the time, over the little things we could afford to let go.

It's hard to notice that anger takes up a lot of your heart! You could be caught up in the moment, you could be on fire because you have all the right words and analyses of how other people should live their lives, but the point is, your hate will not improve anyone, even yourself. The best, or worst, thing you could do is to damage.

How do you know when your anger is sin? I got a few glimpses of my own heart. You know you're badly angered when there is malice. When you wanted to malign/insult/embarrass/ridicule another person for revenge. When, instead of reasoning and dealing with it, you choose to nurse the wrongdoing in your heart and talk about it with another person. I don't think talking about anger with another person is bad. But you should know the difference between telling your story (which is one-sided) and getting another perspective and asking for counsel from a person you know is objective (not the people who would cheer you on in the battle).

I still think that the best way to deal with anger is to humble yourself -- that's right -- probably the last thing you wanted to do when you're angry. Cheek-turning, like Jesus said. But how difficult it is for a world that strives to be assertive, and which promotes a take-no-shit attitude. For a world in which there is only one winner, even in relationships, and where winners are expected to be rewarded.

But who are we kidding? The best way to go about it is still through communication, with the aim of understanding and not just confronting. Understanding, with the aim of reconciliation and not fault-enumeration. You have to hear the other side, and sometimes you don't have to determine who's right or wrong. Sometimes you just have to say sorry for the damage, whether you intended it or not.

People are not always rational beings. They are emotional beings most of the time and especially when they are angry. So even if you settled that the other person is in the wrong, you still won't receive peace or restore the friendship without admitting that you did hurt him/her even if you're right.

"Sorry" can be choking. The hardest sorry's to say are the ones we mean the most. I learned a lot from my dad. He's not a perfect guy of course, but what I admire about him is that he is first to humble himself without caring about who's right or wrong. All he had to do was to get fast food takeouts and give them to me and I know we're at peace again. :)) Kidding aside, I learned from him that nothing dissolves anger more than an assurance of a love bigger than the bad feelings.

So when someone pisses you off, stop making a mental list of what the person did or didn't do. Stop elaborating about what they made you feel. Maybe do so for processing's sake, but don't overdo it. We are not in the business of punishing people until they become lovable enough. That's not gonna happen. People are not always lovable because there is such a scarcity of love. And it's not love's fault, for it is infinite. "Because wickedness is multiplied, most men's love will grow cold" (Matt 24:12). The problem is that people never stir it up and use it when they're angry because they can't let go of the need to be right and secure.

Next time someone pisses you off, try to surprise your enemies (and yourself) by responding with love. I'm sure they, too, have been taught to fight instead of surrender. Know that fights are costly and bloody. Love counteracts and can heal all wounds.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Thank you, Lord

Sometimes, we can be such spoiled brats to God.

We cry out to him when our wish is not granted, when what we hope for does not happen, when what we ask for is not given, when things don't go our way --- typical children.

But sometimes, we are so caught up with what's not given that we forget what has been given. I'm speaking abstract here but this has been true for myself. There are so many things that we want that we fail to realize that we are just on our way to get there. That only God can see the big picture while all we have are puzzle pieces. That maybe, God is the picture that we are supposed to see. And he is in every little piece.

I'd like to take this time to give God the long overdue thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for
  • Not making me commute to work and interact with a lot of strangers in one cramped vehicle for hours only to endure traffic, fatigue, and pollution
  • Blessing me with a job. A lot of people would love to go hotel hopping, article-writing/publishing, and events organizing/covering. I'm doing all of those
  • Giving me enough savings to be secure if I ever will look for another job and even for my meager pay. Haha.
  • Teaching me discipline when it comes to finances long before. It was a childhood training I never knew I had and now I'm reaping the fruits
  • The short distance from work and home that I could actually take a morning walk and an evening stroll to get home
  • A beautiful neighborhood with big houses I love watching that make me miss my family
  • Officemates who are also from UP so we have a common ground of discussing social issues, current affairs, and various events (fairs, museums, retreats, travel, books, plays, etc.!)
  • Having student-friends who are from UP so that I have a reason to go back to that relaxing place to have fun, eat dinners, and chill out
  • Affirming my direction through giving me a group of like-minded people whom I can discuss my wildest dreams with, and a monthly and weekly time to go back to it (although pray that I go to them regularly)
  • A family who always responds when I need them. Parents who love me unquestioningly and who look forward to seeing me during weekends and actually make time when I request for the most random activities like movie-watching and coffee
  • The joy of seeing my mom drive. She deserved her own car, really. And to see her smoothly cruising through the highway with me in control of the radio is just wonderful
  • Breakfast dates, which actually force me to wake up early and actually eat. People who pray with and for me, and who give me encouragement!
  • That kitchen area, which is always dirty and sometimes has a cockroach in the corner that becomes my refuge as I meet with You
  • Roommates I can talk to occasionally, if we stop gazing at the monitor for hours. The many books they own which I have free access to
  • A business and a business partner which becomes my creative outlet which feels so natural. For its affirmation that I could actually put up a business in the future
  • Free times at work. Even though the slow pace is killing me, it gives me time to tend to the business, the blog, and information-gathering
  • A role model boss. She's an achiever and a lover of life. Not a perfect one, but at least I could say that I'm working for a 30-year-old enterprise that handles awesome accounts
  • Living in a beautiful city near everything I love -- church, school, work, after-work, chill-out places, and more. Living a few corners from Maginhawa Street and all its foodie wonders
  • The freedom of wearing anything to work. Not having uniforms or a strict dress code that requires black slacks (I am never wearing those)
God says yes more than you can imagine. He said yes to you not being sick, to your house not being threatened by flood, to your parents being together, to your capability to pay for your tuition, to your friends and all they mean to you. Even if you didn't have all of these, you still have so much more. Don't compare, lest you be compared.

As mentioned by Ali, my PE buddy:

God knew what He was doing when He established the belief system. When you strip away all mystery and leave the truth naked and mathematically scientific, something sweet and attractive is lost.

There will always be the unknown. There will always be the unprovable. But faith confronts those frontiers with a thrilling leap. Then life becomes vibrant with adventure!

--- in the words of Robert H. Schuller

Thank the Lord.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

How has it become difficult to love God?

So I heard they asked this question at one service. Now that's new. We've been used to the question, "How have you loved God?" or "How has God loved you?" It was about celebration. Being all right, being on high, being on fire.

But we're not always like that. We're not okay. We're not perfect. We snap at others when we're tired. We miss a gathering that means something to someone because we have other priorities. We think we are broken beyond repair and we're trying to find a way to be satisfied with just that. We try to make up for what we lack by what we will sacrifice. We try to deny how we feel, especially when we hurt, because we can't handle our own emotions that we've become afraid of them.

What's my answer to this question? How has it been difficult to love God? It was so difficult to answer, to be honest. But for some reason I fought tears back as I think about it. And I don't know why. But I guess this song says a lot when I heard it.

I'm good at writing, but only after I have dealt with something. Only I have found a conclusion, only after the questions have been answers. But right now I find myself at a loss for words. And I'd hate to bother you with different versions of "I don't know what to say". But yes, it does get difficult, really difficult to love and feel loved by God.

How about you?

Monday, October 1, 2012


Have you been tired of emotional circuses leaving you shaken and empty-handed? Short-lived highways of emotions that has a billion-dollar toll fee at the end? Have you lost money betting at a lotteries you have no desire of winning, "just for the experience"?

Purity is probably one of the most difficult topics to talk about as a believer. The first time I learned about it in my church, I was turned off. Of course I was against pre-marital sex even then. But I didn’t like the idea of not consciously checking up on friendships, which is a factor of emotional purity. Although, at that time, something about purity rings true.

I’ve not been too good at emotional purity before and it’s not something I was proud of. There was a time when I lead guys on just for the sake of it, even though I know it’s cruel and they have nothing to gain. In my heart there was a fling after fling, and it was destructive and impulsive at the same time. At that time I thought it was completely normal – exciting even.

But when I noticed that a friend of mine never does this, I was astounded. It’s like he is purposefully missing out on the fun. Until I realized, he was probably having more fun than I was. See, the “friendships” I formed, at one point, came to a stop because of that something that came in the mix. When someone throws the ball away, we stop playing, and the game ends there. After all, there was no commitment, just fun. Nobody wins, but someone loses more.  I realized that if only those friendships were not mixed with… I don’t know… charades? they could have been good friendships that could actually last. Have you ever had those friendships?

And so I wanted purity. But I have not always been successful. In fact, I've failed and am continuously failing that sometimes I wanna say “Forget it”. That’s why it’s difficult to talk about purity. It’s like I myself am a rookie at this, and that I haven’t proven anything -- if it’s possible, if it works, if it's better! The leap of faith!

Not only do a lot of people find purity restraining, even “religious”, it was difficult AS IT IS. A part of you never wanted to miss out on the fun. You hear your friends relaying stories about their break-ups, counting boyfriends/girlfriends, meeting cuties (HAHA) etc. and there you are, believing in purity. It seemed so uncool and outdated.

It’s difficult to believe in purity when you desire to be loved. Sometimes I blame it on young adult fiction for filling stories with a lot of romance and you can’t even relate to. Heck, you don’t even know if it happens in real life (and probably it doesn't). But something in those stories make you think, and make you want to find your story, too. You start thinking, maybe the story is just around the corner, and so you search through people and places and hope that you find it! And how heartbreaking it is when you don’t, or when it doesn’t last. Kept your hopes up for nothing but scars and then you feel unloved again. It’s a vicious cycle.

It’s difficult to believe in purity when nothing is happening and you feel empty. The restlessness bothers you, and you look for more adventurous, amorous stories. You get attracted to danger and playing with fire, until you get caught in the flame and find it hard to get out. Still, you find that the gaping hole in your heart remained even after you filled with romance.

It’s difficult to believe in purity when the people surrounding you don’t. Friends wanted to introduce you to their friends, set you up, tease you to someone, urging you to give it a try. You look like you can’t handle situations properly if you refuse, so you give it a try. But you hate it at once that you wanted to forget about the whole thing. None of this was satisfying, but at least you can make time pass, and there’s a story to tell!

It’s difficult to believe in purity when you have already given your heart to someone. A part of you wanted to stop entertaining thoughts altogether in a sudden decision. Yet it never works because it is merely surface-level denial. It’s like planting a tree with no roots. You have no basis, no strong foundation, when someone knocks and suddenly you are filled with hope that maybe it will work and you fall for it again.

Maybe sometimes your family question you, “Why don’t you have somebody? You’re handsome, smart, a gentleman,” and you ask yourself, Yeah, why don’t I have somebody? Maybe you have lost a person you liked to someone else more 'outgoing' than you. Maybe the pain you experienced from past hurts resonates in you, and you wanted so much to forget that you think the only way is to find a substitute. Maybe you cling to a heartbreak so closely that you fail to see God’s grace in saving you from further heartbreak when you stop.

There are plenty of other choices easier to pick than purity! It’s a hard road to take and is less taken.

But right now, I find that my prayer to God is increasingly about purity. It doesn’t make me less plagued with desires, restlessness, doubt, fear, and even shame. Perhaps my prayer would even amplify those! But I guess I wanted to be stronger in God. Sometimes my mind gets preoccupied of these things that I fail to trust God’s timing, orchestration, and choice. To be honest, if I could just forget about it, throw away the deceptive part of my heart, I would. But I can't and I need His help. This time I wanted more of Him than myself with an imaginary person in an imaginary love story.

PS. This is obviously an elaborate topic. More on this next time. :)

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Home and Leaving Home

It's been more than two months since I moved out. I got one item crossed off my bucket list. To be honest, I thought living independently would be one of the last ones I'll accomplish and it's something I'm half-hearted about doing. How surprising that it came so quickly. I've learned and done a lot ~ mostly domestic things I don't do at home HAHA.

During my first weeks, Dad would call every night and Mom would check up on me every day. Now the calls are getting fewer, once a week, and the texts are only after I ask them how they are doing (the answer of which is similar every time. Haha).

I make it a point to go home weekly. My family has been apart for six years. There was a time when all five of us lived in separate households. That is, until earlier this year when Mom changed work (after more than 20 years!) and the two boys stayed home instead of boarding out for school. When I accepted my current job, I really pondered about moving. Both my brothers and my parents are already in one home, and I hate to be the first one to leave! It was such a short time to be together, my unemployment days. I didn't want them to feel that I've already become too independent that I don't need them anymore. And even though I don't admit it, I still need them, regardless if I can provide for myself or not. The warm home, the familiarity, free food. So I go home. I didn't want them to get wrong ideas that I've "left", or have checked out.

But lately I'm thinking if I should stop going home every week. My weeks are really busy, consisting of 5 days at the office and two days travelling back and forth the province. It really takes up time, and sometimes I wanted to pursue something outside my work, but am left with no time to do so. I think by now my parents can manage, and they are assured enough that even though I left, I'm still part of the family.

Again, during my first weeks, we go out every weekend, watch movies, just because we miss each other. But now our times are more casual, at home, and nothing special. I think I've assured them enough, or maybe, have assured myself that both of us are going to be all right and assured of our relationship. So maybe I'm free to make plans on weekends, too. See how God will use it productively even though I'm away from home. By now, I'm pretty confident my parents won't be too sad (haha, do I have this illusion that they need me? As I said, I'm the needy one. Or maybe both parties). Maybe the weekend would be a good time to plan things out and seek His will.

Dear Lord, thank you for providing for me. I stepped out of the house by faith. I really had nothing and was on the negative financially. But two months at my dream place and I'm already comfortable ~ more than what I expected. Help me not to be independent, but dependent on you. May you be my comfort during times of stress, loneliness, and anxiety that comes with being separated from my family. May they be assured that I will stay as their daughter/sister, and may I be present in their lives more, even in my absence. Keep our family together, as you did for those six years and for the past 24 years since my parents married. Thank you. Amen.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

How your knees glorify God

I was writing a press release for a brand, which is about taking care of knees. In my research I discovered that our knees are the largest and one of the most complex joint in the body. In fact, it was so unique that it is what differentiates us from animals. Knees are responsible for making us bipedal, meaning, walking in two legs.

Why aren't we like apes who are on all fours? Because our knees can both bend (when sitting) and lock (when standing), whereas a monkey's doesn't. You can't find the same knee joint design in animals, even bipedal ones. It provides support every time, and if you don't know how often you use it, try imagining a day without them. You would fall on the ground with seemingly broken legs.

Knees are also "irreducible", meaning the bones and the ligaments (and other anatomical parts) did not develop in time. All these wonderful combinations that make up your knee joint have to exist simultaneously ~ it just started! It has always been there. It was designed from the beginning.

I never forced myself out of the belief of evolution. I didn't know it wasn't in the Bible, nor if Christians believe them. But I do know that there is an art to our brilliance, an art to what we have labelled science. The things we take for granted, just our knees!, show God's wonderful work.

When we realize God's size ~ how he pays attention to the microscopic, or under-the-skin things we overlook, and how he paints the sky from various different layers of clouds, space, stars, and light your Photoshop won't be able to do, until how he perfectly orbits the planets ~ we realize also his infinity and sovereignty over the things we are bothered about, and the things we don't even take time to think about. :)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A thousand times I fail

Willpower. Willpower.
I will do this. I will do this. Tear down the walls.
I get to the place, and with a minor stitch, the first word that come to my mouth
was all wrong.
I blew it. Again. Seemingly hopeless, oh, me.

Sometimes I think the walls are who I truly am.
I've been so self-contained that I hardly know how to react without them.
Completely clueless.
Maybe it was my natural state.
Anything I'm not used to becomes awkward.

But maybe it's worth a shot
to not let go of the moment at hand.
Slowly, dive in, slowly, observe.
Find the bottom until it touches my feet and I can breathe
instead of letting my hands flail in panic.

Slowly, dive in, slowly.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Reading fiction again

For a while biographies and memoirs are my thing
I like reality
I would rather read sociology than dazzling vampires

But there are times when I remove the leash on my imagination
and it starts imagining things,
like it used to once before.
Maybe I should put away the leash for good.

I almost bought my dream superhero outfit
which made me look like a strawberry
with the leaves as a cape and a pink dress

The power it holds, what if I was destined to see it
in Gayuma ni Maria and that it actually has powers
I imagined idle moments at the boarding house just wearing the uniform
and break out of normalcy and jump from the balcony,
surprising myself with the wonders of the fruity costume
Super speed, flight, inspiration,
maybe it does have powers.

But in the end, in dizzy and sleepyness,
the hero puts spending P350 off the costume
Maybe some other time,
when I can't sleep and all I think
is jumping out the balcony with a newer self

The cape has got to wait.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Things I learned about myself lately

I absolutely love brutal honesty. To me that's all that matters. If a person is unimportant, their brutal honesty won't affect me. If they are important, I thank them for my kindness.

Today we had such one in the office as a whole team. You would think I'd look tense because it was a negative kind of meeting. But despite my tissue nosed and sniffing (I'm sick!) I actually appreciated the talk. It was a breather. There were far too many gray areas about work and I can't wait to do as I'm told, or get permission to be creative.

What I learned about myself lately is that I'm creative. A lot of things made sense, as what I have previously blogged. All the drawing, fashion illustrating, scrapbooking and recycling that characterized my youth didn't vanish. Now it's just translated to blogging, photography, online scrapbooking and working on press releases. Haha!

This weekend I asked God to help me appreciate my job. I was all positive at the beginning, but the negatives sank in. I realized I don't make a good employee and that I make a better boss, not the tyrannical ones, but someone who collaborates, coordinates, and communicates. With the hierarchy, real or imagined, in the world of work, it's easy to stifle such things ~ feel disoriented, lack of sense of belonging and confusion. I was there last week.

I prayed to God that he help me appreciate my job. My job is good! It allows me to go sight-seeing hotels, sit in press conferences and seminars. My boss treats us lavishly and her vision is to make the workplace family-ish.

There are glitches, of course. Not quite being there. But I wanted to be thankful nonetheless. I used to think I'd rather go on business, but I realize that I also needed this, and that I need not quit this job to be an entrepreneur. Avoiding the tyranny of the "or" for the genius of the "and". I also realized how arrogant and confident I could be, and I don't really think that's such a bad thing hahaha.

Sometimes it's like I'm always working. Daytime at the office and nighttime everything else ~ talking to my family, friends, looking for suppliers for Flaired, finding out about social entrepreneurship via GK, figuring out how to invest in the stock market, researching on what I could blog, reading and reading! But this is my life hahaha! I love my indoor time as much as my outdoor ones.

Today, my boss said about me, "Si Sam pag tumawag akala mo galing sa funeraria." OMG. HAHAHAHA. I never knew that about myself. I thought I was being professional with my tone when I call the media (like, inviting them for the events, following a release, or confirming their attendance), but in Suzanne Collin's writing of Katniss Everdeen, I'm about "as charming as a dead slug", or, apparently, a mortician! HAHAHAHA. Shitniz.

Then my officemate, who actually is my tandem for managing a company's account, revealed another. It was lunch time and I asked her also for feedback, and that she could be really honest. She's a hardworking girl, very step-by-step, committed. I'm nothing like her, and I think that's okay, so I asked. She said something positive, "Napepressure ako sayo kasi ang bilis mo gumawa ng article." HAHAHA! Wow. I honestly thought she'd criticize me. Her only suggestion was that I add more energy.

Wow, so I haven't been really energetic. When I compare it with my response to something I'm passionate about, it's totally different. I can't stop talking. In fact I talk too much. I don't really think passion is separate. I should be a passionate person in general ~ including in the workplace.

One thing that I realized as well is that I've learned not to be afraid of being talked about behind my back. Some people closely surrounding are doing it to me but I don't call their bluff simply because it would create so much drama. I would rather do my own thing and let them talk and do their thing. I'm not her to change opinions anyway. Oh Lord, thank you, when did I ever learned to be so fly? Haha!

So, knowing these ~ my artsy fartsy self, my unattractive tone, and quick writing ~ I feel really thankful. God answered my prayer. He gave me something to work on at work! :)