Saturday, November 19, 2011

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Kindness Girl

When you encounter something WILD,
magical or dazzlingly captivating
you just fall silent and stare at awe
guards down
hearts on sleeve
overflowing with JOY

Oh what would life be if every moment is like that?


~my feeling towards Kindness Girl's blog as I saw her on Oprah's magazine.
Made me wish my blog was like hers.
What a heavenly concept!

When I first saw the "birth" photos, I trembled
when I first saw the family photos of hugging, I shivered
when I first saw the generosity towards strangers, I wondered
Then I realized

Kindness may have been something that people are not used to these days

them, including myself, and maybe, a lot of other people around me. My immediate circle
Isn't that sad? To crave for kindness but not ask for it or not give it
when life is clearly too shot.
To bother so much about pride and "cheeziness" even though you know deep inside
a frozen heart could melt?
a life could be changed?
wounds would be healed?
gaps will be bridged?

I wish my own heart and life and wounds and gaps would.
And too little action is done about it
(in fact more is done to worsen conditions)

"I try to avoid humanity apparently, which only ends up exposing just how human I really am." ~Kindness Girl

I want to start this project in my own life.
And see the results on others before my time is up.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Do you smell that?

I think I do!

It's almost Christmas! :D

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Moving Out. Soon.

gives me hope :)

It's the second day and I have three papers to write.

The anticipated heaviness of this semester is becoming more and more evident. Even as Dad came by tonight, he agreed for me to look for a place to stay within UP since I took up full units with thesis. He went on "encouraging" me or justifying "his" decision for me to take up full units (haha). Although I don't 100% believe in every word he said, it is comforting to have my Dad to cheer me up. I really wish we lived in the same house, though. It would really make things lighter for me. And now I am going to have to move out.

Tell you what, I think moving out is a great idea. About time! I heard in the US they let their children go as soon as they are 18, and I'm 19, and I don't want to be a kid until I get a job. I want to experience grocery-shopping for myself, dealing with the laundry, paying bills and all those adult things I'd probably grow tired of in a span of, what, 40 years? if I am lucky. Haha.

And truthfully, I want to stop commuting every day :( The pollution, the heat, lack of transportation, passengers, probability of encountering criminals, time spent in traffic, fatigue. Flush those down. I want to be able to jog at night, sleep during break times, eat dinners with friends and be on school as early as I wake up!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

First Day and Craving for more

Well what an interesting day it was.

One of the subjects I was dreading was MBB (1) because it starts at 8:30 (2) at a distant building where I had to take another jeep and (3) basically because it was molecular biology. As such I was just a few minutes late. The Prof looked stern and even scary, but I slumped over to the first row of seats (Heard it does wonders with your grades). What caught on was a debate, short essay every meeting to be drawn randomly equivalent to your long exam. When I thought he was the terror type, he started calling us one by one. I found out that the class was highly diversified. We had Fine Arts, Education, Creative writing, Computer Science but most students came from various categories of Engineering (Materials, Mining, etc.) No Biology though. Sociology, says he, has a special place in his heart.

He started weaving cellular automata, gene sequencing, bionics and paternity cases in the next hour and 30 minutes. It was so particularly interesting and challenging at the same time, to hear science terms. I get easily impressed by those to tell you the truth. And already we have an essay to write, which he instructs, should pattern with our disciplines. Great!

*absent Profs, few enrollment steps, meet-ups at SM North, Tere's birthday celebration*

Behind the scenes. Taken by Wesley

Invited Wesley to tag along

Fast forward to tonight where we had unlimited platefuls of cakes and cupfuls of coffee (and foam) from Cravings' Grand Cake and Coffee Festival. All free. We were obviously college kids under-dressed for such a tasteful event. But no matter. I love how we made the Photobooth livelier than it ever will be. :)

And yes, today was just the first day of classes.

PS. I got a paper to write! And practiced some Photoshop techniques tonight thanks to Helga's tutorials.

Original Photo (looks good enough eh? I didn't even have a tripod :)

Following this

Then following this

Very hippie-lookin.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fresh semester

Enrollment was exhausting, with every sense of the word. It was a bad choice to wear new shoes on an all-day affair of falling in lines, waiting in traffic and walking to and fro buildings/offices/people. Bureaucracy at its worst.

The night before, I was tossing and turning in my bed. I couldn't sleep because my heart was fluttering inside my chest. Worry. I was tempted several times to jump off the bed and start running around the house (kinetic tendencies) and keep still, try to get some sleep to wake up at 5 A.M. Kept saying to myself, "All is well, all is well, God I trust you," until some of the fears dissipated and I fell asleep.

Well, tiring as it was, it was also grace-filled! On my way to school my blockmate offered an MST subject because she'll cancel it. Two more offered their slots. For my thesis class, the Prof I was eyeing refused, so I had to take another one. There are some points that scare me. My MST class was Molecular Biology a.k.a. subject I don't think I'm good at/need. And my thesis adviser usually asks her students to write in the Filipino language, which, shamefully, I'm also not good at (*tears*).

Aside from enlistment, I had to take care of paperwork for graduation. Seeing my load, I texted my parents if they would allow me to graduate in the summer instead. Remove three units so that I could focus on my Thesis (aaand other electives). It was just two months. And too much load, with thesis to boot, might end up disastrously. But it kind of pained me that they didn't the difficulty, and all they saw was that it was an additional expense. It wasn't even much of an expense. Let's just say that the fatigue, blistered heel and disappointment almost got me. But at the end of the day, when I got home and took a good nap, I thanked God for the subjects and could only pray that he would get me through this semester. Not by barely getting by. I really, really wanted to excel. There are just too many things to think of.

College is such a pressure cooker.

What would I want this sem to be?
Nothing like that.

Fresh inspiration

She made it :)
I almost forgot.

I never got to blog about Square One yet, because right after it we had no Internet. But just today, as she walked in the door with a glow on her face and a lingering "Hello!!", I remembered one of my highlights in the event. A person. My follow-up, Cha. Haha.

I met Cha just last semester. She's a freshie, and I blogged about her once here. I was a bit ecstatic when she chose to go and even invited her sister from another school to come (though her sister didn't make it). The fact that she even changes her profile picture for the event she never knows was amusing. She is not familiar with most of Stillwaters because most of the time it's just me that she talks to (which really reminds me of myself with Ate Rai before). To spend five days with strangers on an event you haven't tried before could easily make one fall silent in the corners all throughout, but I'm glad she wasn't.

There were times during the training that I get overwhelmed. The facts are macro, nationwide and, in my mind, difficult. But then I looked at her as she was sitting beside me. There she was, wide-eyed and excited. "I can't wait to go home and try this!" And all of a sudden I get her drift and get excited too!

Even as we prayed, even during downtime on our bedside just sharing stories about our families, even as she quietly listened to the "grown-ups" (US! oh my. haha) talking late into the midnight about issues, I saw from her an irreplaceable eagerness to jump in and just do it without second thoughts. Blessed to be with her during Square One. I like how I didn't get to be the "Ate" all the time. Like, she can speak like I'm just one of her peers and I can be myself and reason with her. She can ask questions without worrying about politeness, and me, maturity. I think that's really important. And there's more, I'm sure, when the semester starts. We've made exciting plans and we are accountable with each other for it. =)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Confessions of a terrified Senior

My aura is calm and collected as they talk about me over the dinner table.
"Sam's going to pay the bills for you soon, Mom" my brother joked.
"Oh yeah," Mom says back. "She finally have something to contribute at home,"
I roll my eyes and smile.

The movie Post Grad was on HBO.
I asked my brother to change the channel so we could watch Salt on Velvet.
He insisted on watching the movie. "It's for you, don't you find it relatable?"
I gazed at Alexis Bledel's blue eyes and went back to my room.

I received a reply from my Professor when I e-mailed her a follow up on my grade
I had to sigh when she said I passed (and the grade was good!)
But a knot was tied on my throat when she said I have to settle a few things at the registrar
for her to key them in

I have just two subjects to enlist
Before my college life ends, for now. That's if things go well. If...

One is MST, which is a golden type of GE. Hard to find and sought-after.
Another is my Thesis, which shouldn't be as golden, but I wanted another Prof.
Her class that is already full, not the other Prof with available slots.
I have a resolve on what I was going to write in my thesis, which was on the said Prof's field
But first, I had to GET. IN. HER. CLASS. by tomorrow.

And not to mention that next week, I should pay for graduation photos
November is the month of the shoots
And I'm hoping breakouts would be dormant
As I "stress" about graduation, thesis, commuting again ~enjoying the last sem

The reoccurring desire to just back out and leave graduating for next year where I have plenty of time to think about my future, what I'll do with my life, and many people to graduate with, to go through it with me. Maybe it would be better you know, than being thrown out of school with a diploma but not a plan to follow. Well, whatever goes according to plan?

Everybody who knows her says she's a gem of a Professor. In Journalism
Will her class inspire me to actually continue taking up more units?
Nevertheless, again, I'm sticking with Operation Graduation. Unless

I need some reassurance, and I know that it's not what I should be looking for.
"All is well," the Three Idiots taught.
Glad I watched that movie coz right now, my heart is pounding and my mind is worrying
Looking for answers,
to make ends meet,
favorable circumstances
before the curtain closes and another sem begins. And ends pretty soon.

Which, the former, is a day from today by the way.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The photo that made me stop and think

This has been what I 've been brooding on for the past ten minutes. The things that we can't change that ended up changing us. There are countless examples. And from your own experience with life, I know you've had a couple.

He didn't like me, and if anybody asked if I loved him, I'd lie. I can't make any person love me. Although it has crossed my mind that if only there was some love potion available, I'd most certainly avail of it and use it only with one person. But that can't be. It's a no and I have to live with it. And it ended up changing me. Through the grief, the tears, and the moving on. It's something you never know you could handle. And it's what led me to God.

I didn't get to shift. I used to hate my course a lot. Blamed my parents for the mentality that shifting is a waste of money but not a waste of enjoyment. All the reading and abstractness and even the fact that you have to think about a lot of things, a lot of individuals, a lot of societies. That you can't generalize and you can't prescribe when you're the type of person who's looking for a step. The criticisms over perfect ideas, the paper that made my Mom so proud by my Prof failed (true story). The secret wishes that I chased Journalism or took up business courses. But Sociology has taught me how to write and view the corporate world in various angles too. And I can say that it's almost easy to make opinions out of things because of the discipline.

There are just so many: the fact that I'm a girl so that my parents made me transfer schools a lot (since the boys are in San Beda, but I got to mingle with different kinds of students like me), the fact that Mom chose to teach in San Beda that we moved from Cavite to Rizal (where I met my dear friends by the way), the fact that I had to spend a year in Los Banos (which was way beyond memorable even if it was just a year), the fact that not everything was given to me in a silver platter that I had to think of creative means to achieve and get what I want.

It's just a clear sign that God is more in charge than us. He can change us more than any adaptive methods we apply in life. He can put us through anything: loss, envy, grief, pain, success, contentment, fulfillment. The things we can't control, but the things He does. Life holds no guarantee that it would be a effortless. God will show us the way, and it is not necessarily according to our expectations.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Spell Awkward: Conversations with Profs and Male Species

What a sexist sounding title, aye? Sorry. That was just the exact words that pop into my mind when a self-destructing thought came to me one night: I could never talk naturally to guys whom I am never comfortable with. It's almost same as talking to Professors. I could talk to strangers on the phone, meet them personally without knowing their names or faces when I approach them. But with Professors (a capital P ~what a reflex) it's like there's a whole sense of awkwardness and shyness as if you are about to waste their time in the next minute that you plead your case. It's like I end up bowing at every word I speak.

With guys I'm not close to, it's the same. I try not to impress anyone, but some people seem to just have that "Impress Me" banner on their foreheads. Sometimes there are guys who are just out to joke. But when I ask a "real" question, like "How was *_insert topic here_*?". When the tone isn't funny anymore, when I'm looking for "real" answers, they just back off. Scared off or give a "funny" answer. Sometimes I wondered if I was too personal, that it sounded like a heart-to-heart or something that girls are used to and guys are not. But I dismiss the thought, concluding that people who can't talk to me seriously isn't worth my time anyway.

Then there's the feeling that you are stepping on their ego by "probing". It's not really probing, at least for me. But I just like asking personal questions that maybe it's too personal for some, that it comes off as an insult or something. Like when non-close-to guys share about their problem. I'm afraid of asking questions because it may seem like you're driving the screw harder, wiping shame to their faces by making them elaborate or repeat. Does the "listening ear" apply only? People only need someone to listen to them? Well, uh... okay... but... It's the same as watching a movie and expecting the audience to shut up and just enjoy the show. For me, it shouldn't be that way. I know you're there to enjoy and you probably bought they tickets to relax your mind. But hey, your brain's working and they're probably feeding you stuff without your permission. /Or sometimes people just need a hug.

It's just that I'm a wordy girl and I like to hear stories and the only way I could consider you a friend is when you share a part of you to me that you wouldn't share to a total stranger. What would be the difference between me and another person right? It's just that I crave for that real good "talk" where guards are down and honesty is up. That "moment", that bonding. It's just that I'm a "friend" type. I ask. I talk. I listen. Again and again. And if people find it weird and uncomfortable, so do I. ~Why, I do not get them!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Friday Night Lights

Let's rewind a little. Same day, one week apart.

The end of my semester fell on a Friday, which means by the end of the day, there should be some form of a celebration. And there was! It was Cha's advance birthday celebration and Friday Night Lights held at the CS Amphitheater. Cha is like the "Man of the Sem" for me. It's incredible the strength that we/he had to withstand this semester. And it was my first time at the CS Amphi. Or at least, first time to be there at night where there are amateur high school-college bands, sparkles and fireworks. Not to mention *gulp* Up Dharma Down! Fan-girling all the way to taking this picture with her. Notice our doggy smiles.

Next Friday, after about a week of having no school to attend to, and the Square One lurking for the next week, Lyka, JC and I went to Good Times. I'm not a party girl type, but I liked the theme of this one. Going to parties has always been tedious for me since:

1) You have to dress up, undeniably
2) You have to get there dressed up, since bringing clothes is a hassle.
3) The effects of alcohol on people and... the floor (read: sticky/spill/vomit/etc)
Lastly, the sight of some of the ladies turning slutty. Sad and real.

The rules of this party? Dress down, chill out to indie music and 90s music. Three things that I like :)

Colorful/confetti-powdered dancefloor!

Was there booze? A lot. Scattered all over the place if I may add. Did I get some? Yes. I admire those who don't drink. Like Camz, whom I have seen just yesterday. I don't get drunk consciously (as there are those who do, for the show), but I wish that I could eradicate it even though it's not even a habit. I know that it's not drinking per se, but the occasion to drink that is the factor. Once in a while and no drunkenness is good. I'm not about to lace this with feelings of guilt. It's a celebration. :)

Let the good times roll :)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Halloween, Nature-themed

I believe that we are a little more crazy when we are with the people we're most comfortable with.

Two days spent with the family from Hallow's Eve till All Saints' Day

The smile on my brothers' faces

Dinner-cruising over Manila Bay

Paid our visits to my great-grandmother. A decade-long tradition.
Saw our kitties again back home :)
Nature-tripping. My favorite 
The zoo, as well
Went to Island Cove and fed the crocs
Ate at a "dampa" ~ house on stilts over a fish pond

Thanking God for at least a few days of being complete as a family.
The adventures of our youth, still timeless as we are growing up
Praying that as we separate on the semester, we'd hold on to these moments
And look forward for the ones coming. AKA. Christmas! :)

Storybook Heroes

There is that lingering thought that can't seem to pass
despite the tears, the wrong feelings, the ironies of life
I can't stop the smile that spreads across my face
The beauty seen by my eyes
A sigh that escapes my lips,
"Life is good. I love my life"

Perhaps now is the time that I start sharing a few stories
written by God in my heart and the hearts of people I know.
If there is one thing I know I'm a little good at,
it is writing stories
Non-fiction that is as better than any fiction you can imagine
Now watch me as I turn
into a storyteller. ;)