Friday, July 30, 2010

Out of Brokenheartedness

This was written during the dark periods of my life, not too long ago, after experiencing rejection. I actually like it now, and I can't wait to write another one that will replace this literature with a better one:

All my life, I prayed for someone like you.

And it’s true. Until now nothing can still top him in my life. All the other guys that come near or have thought to come near never came near enough. Sadly, sinfully, I’m not talking about God. I’m talking about the single person that I have loved for the most concentrated time. I never looked anywhere else. Not to my friends, to my family or God. Him, just him.

It pains me every time I hear of love songs because no one knows of the magnitude of my pain. Nothing could ever describe it, and I have closed my mind that someone can help me. I believe that every experience of humanly love is unique and special, no matter how foolish it is on somebody else’s eyes. That’s why when someone tells me they have fallen in love, even though it is really foolish and it seems they’re just being masochistic martyrs, I admire them. But I don’t want to be one of them, but I did! I am! Until now I am being a slave to my dense emotions.

These first days of second semester was good, especially after last week. Last week, specifically last Thursday during the worship service, I felt healed. I said my sincerest sorry to God, and I felt comforted by his forgiveness. Then the next day, my churchmate gave me I Kissed Dating Goodbye, that I can’t say I have taken to the heart. My views change, like it always does, but when I heard of that guy, I found myself struggling once again. I wanted to cry.. The thought that maybe this will work, I wasn’t that important to him despite everything,, maybe he’ll love me after I sacrifice just a little more, what if I was his One and this is just a conflict to the plot? And then I realize that I’m being carried away by hope again… hopelessness of hoping.

Now it seems that every love song is a struggle. I haven’t listened to my iPod not only because the earphones are almost wrecked, but because it was filled with playlists that I associated with him. Hopeful playlists, that says that if only we could be together, if only you could see me differently. Now I could only make bitter playlists that we can’t be, and we have to move on. And it’s not healthy for me. All this hoping needs to get away! I really should avoid the very thought of him crossing my life again. God blessed me with a full life, and it is in my choice to be preoccupied by someone who has already, in a sense, died or that beautiful life.

A story went about a queen who had to choose, between two doors which her lover will take: A door which leads outside, or a door which leads to the lions’ den. She has to choose whether she sets her lover free, to let him forget her and perhaps find a new woman, or she kills him so that he’ll be eternally hers. I deliberately thought that she should really set her lover free, why kill him? Then I realized now that the pain of not having him, or worse, seeing him with another person, could otherwise create negative memories and lead to murder anyway, of herself or of the lover, I don’t know. Too melodramatic, if you come to think of it, but you can see the plot of the story in the undertones of reality.

It’s hard being a Christian. Half of me wants to succumb to the flirtatious, hopeless (I know it’s hopeless because I have tried everything. I’ve been there for him every time, I have dropped my priorities, beliefs and friends in a second for him, and he has been the content of my brain for months and months) way of putting malice to a Dead End. Maybe, just maybe, this has hope! Try and try until you succeed! I haven’t gone this far only to quit! But I wouldn’t be fair to the people who loved me already, loved me way more than he did, the people who also deserve my love and attention, because they have given those to me just when I needed it, like God has. After he left me, him even without being fully known to that fact, I was left crumbling to tears with every stupid love song, every dream of losing the perfect one, every story that didn’t have a good ending, every thought that I am his and he is mine. What if he didn’t deserve me to start with? He, and I myself, can’t see that. Maybe I was too at awe with him. Blinded, by love.

My friends, family, churchmates and God has been there comforting me. Two weeks ago I’ve never been so filled with happiness, even though he was not in the picture. I felt good and contented, I felt like who I was supposed to be. I was daydreaming too much of spending eternity with him that I haven’t even prepared myself that I could be wrong. Now, to me, he’s just a picture frame of sadness. A frame is something that covers something important, a picture, a reminder. Tonight I heard that song again, All my life, I prayed for someone like you, and I thank God that I’ve finally found you. My song for him and I struggled. Now that I’ve thought of it, I truly feel like Bella after Edward has left her. What a corny way to put it. But all that wanting to hurt yourself, being depressed all the time, not seeing the blessings of having my family and friends, happened to me. Sadly, God is my Jacob Black. Jacob was and will be deeply hurt in the movie. It’s not fair. I should author my own life and now I am writing that HE’S NOT THE ONE I PRAYED FOR.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Last Airbender

This blog is starting to look like a big movie review, but I can't help it. I've been frequenting the cinemas lately (but not Cinemalaya/Filipino indie films just yet). Last night I was with my brother as I watched The Last Airbender in 3D, better known as the Avatar series in Nick. I've seen the trailer several months ago and got excited instantly because I loved the series and the movie looks promising--How would they portray the bending scenes?

From the beginning, the movie had a theatrical feel to it--literally. It's like watching a play that every act is orchestrated, the movements of the camera are so obvious and the clothes felt like mere costumes. In short, it didn't look natural to me. Jackson Rathbone (the Jasper guy in the Twilight series) didn't make a good Sokka. He was bad. He needs more facial expression. But I must say that the cast are faithful to the characters of the series. I think Dev Patel was perfect for the Zuko role because he played the wretched-disowned-son-seeking-approval part well. Same goes for Katara (Nicola Peltz). She wins the best actress act here, somehow making up for the inferiority of Jackson R. And did I mention that Katara's voice is good? There is something about it. Anyway, Uncle Iroh's good too, and Yue's really pretty.

But what about Aang? That kid is cute! I loved the hand movements the Avatar does. When he's on that Avatar state (eyes and tattoos glowing), I'm like whoa. Really. And he's better when in action. I wonder what kind of training he underwent. Noah Ringer is perfect for it even though some people say he didn't look the part. He gave the Avatar feel to the movie.

So with a linear plot and good casting, I'd give it 2 stars. I'd still watch Book Two if they film it.

Monday, July 19, 2010

S'mores Party

What is a Graham cracker without marshmallows and chocolates? :)

On August 18, Stillwaters will have its S'mores Party at the Student Center, Katipunan. S'mores has always been a part of every important activity we have like Square One and Hope. Last year, back when I was new, I didn't come to the S'mores Party because I thought I'd be left out. But this year I surely will! Thinking back, I realize how much closer I am to my church.

I was tapped for the Program, and I think it's best to come from someone who will come for the first time: What would someone new would like to see? How do they want the program to flow? So hopefully these insights would translate into something that would make new people welcome.

Everybody's invited to come. :)

Sunday, July 18, 2010


A very unflattering picture of a sobbing self when I shared my literally last-minute one-sentenced testimony

One thing that makes me sad is that Christians are often stereotyped as the religious, self-righteous, superficial believers. I know because I was one of those who did way back. I thought they're just losing their minds over some religion that will soon be rendered irrelevant with the times. There are lots of debates about God that I relished, though deep inside--and hard to admit--I longed to know what He's all about. Thankfully, God communicated with me through love and not religion. And if there is one thing you cannot refute, it is changed life. I can testify. But not now.

On the other hand, no longer do I consider myself Catholic but a Christian. In a sense, it only means that I do not identify myself with a religion, but with Christ. I honestly don't bother much when someone makes a hasty generalization of those who believe in God. Atheism makes me sad, yes. But my mission is not to argue but to help.

However, it's sort of difficult to express this belief. Last week I experienced sharing with a stranger (it unbelievably went successfully! Totally not my work), but it's so different with friends. I'm too afraid of sounding preachy that I'd rather drop the subject, fearing that they find it disinteresting or that they're apathetic about it/feel like being forced into listening into something they do not want to hear. God is a big word not everyone wants to "swallow", better yet to understand. Somehow it's difficult to talk about God in a casual, conversational way. But I'd still give it a shot, when they show the slightest inclination to know about the topic. Blaise Pascal said:

"There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God."

and that I believe. Instead of looking at it at the aggregate, at the sociological point of the belief in God, it is better for God to be known intimately, just like how you know things that really make you believe: personal, from experience.

Some verses that helped me understand what He's all about, emphasis mine:

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast" -Eph. 2:8-9

Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent" -John 17:3

Should anyone read this and be interested to know more, go here. And if you want somebody to explain that for you, leave me a message and I'll see what I can do. Better yet, let's pray. :)

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Photo found in Tumblr

So since I'm at a point of exhaustion from school, I decided to take a break today. I have funds, I always do, for some reason. I'm good at money like that. See, yesterday was mixed-emotions day for me. But although I traded the Gary V.-Martin Nievera concert for playing Rockband at Katips and hanging out with two sets of friends at KFC, it was all worth it. :)

Going back, this is the what I watched today since retail therapy failed to seduce me no matter how I tried.

Inception is one of those movies that make you think and get you at the edge of the seats at the same time. We watched it at 2D so the seats were shaking. Hahaha. The plot is really complicated since it deals with the mind. There is not art in spoiling it. If you've read Sophie's World by Jostein Gaardner or have watched Shutter Island/The Butterfly Effect/The Matrix, you would comprehend this, but on a dream-reality paradigm. Like any Leo movie, Inception is worth watching on the big screen because the action scenes and settings are very diverse as it tries to capture different realities of dreams. Every lead character also played their part well, notably, Ken Watanabe (5 stars!), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (I always know him as "Tom" of (500) Days of Summer), Ellen Page (always known her as the witty Juno), Marion Cotillard, Cilian Murphy (whom I thought at first didn't look good, but ended up resembling of Tom Welling of Smallville) and my crush Tom Hardy (he was smart and funny in the movie okay). Leo's acting was, gosh, really intimidating that I wondered how it feels how to work with him. By the time we left the cinemas we were surprised that the movie took up most of our night. Every good movie does that, eh?

My personal favorites are the anti-gravity and slo-mo immersion/explosion scenes. You have to watch this. :)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fashion Bloggers

Admittedly, I spend an ample amount of time checking out my favorite fashion bloggers. They actually do not blog for fashion's sake only. They actually live their lives fashionably and blog about it. So it's more of lifestyle than fashion per se. Hats off to them! I cannot deny that I wish I could be one of them someday. This addiction should be productive one way or another.

Here are my top three favorites in no particular order :)

Rantings of a Fashion Addict

I forgot where I found Ashleigh's blog, but I stuck to her because she keeps it updated and she dresses like a pro!


Kryz deserves to be a youth model or something, model in fashion and in character. She's Filipina, young and already has so many experience with fashion styling yet she remains down-to-earth. Very refreshing :) I do wish I could wear high heels to school everyday without standing out like a sore thumb.

Helga Weber

I first discovered Helga from Flickr, she's famous for her self-portraits in her Project 365. Search Helgasms on Flickr, you'd admire her for having fresh ideas everyday. This blog of hers concerns Manila-related things too. Boy can we relate.

A life well lived is worth blogging for!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Eclipse Review

OH MY. I LOVED THE MOVIE. Eclipse is way better than Twilight and New Moon combined. The difference in my experience was that I haven't read the book prior to watching the movie. You know what they say: you'd hate it if you did, so I can't really tell. Nevertheless, in terms of acting, Kristen, Rob and most of all Taylor have improved.

In the movie, Jacob was no longer seen as an inferior to Edward, but more of an equal despite the age difference and the previous idealization of the power of vampires. The vampire-werewolf heat crowns the movie, as it is time for the mortal to decide the team she'd choose. Predictably, she accepts Edward's proposal, but she did ask for a kiss from Jacob. Of all things, why oh why was it a kiss?

The running and fighting scenes looked convincing too, and Eclipse definitely delved deeper with the characters of the Quileute tribe (I love the flashbacks) and Jasper (he actually has lines!). Chief Swan is quite amusing and did not lose his importance as a father, and Jessica's graduation speech was note-worthy! "This is the time to make mistakes". Was she the valedictorian? Because she was portrayed to be kind of stupid during the first installments.

The actress behind Victoria changed (it helped that I watched Twilight last night), but finally, she has been eliminated in the story. It was getting hard to imagine that the whole Cullen clan plus the pack of wolves are after just a single vampire. They needed better competition than that. And another note: I didn't know vampires could break like figurines! Why hadn't that happen before, like when they play vampire baseball or with the James encounter during Twilight? The Volturi seemed like an unnecessary insertion, they should have dropped it in New Moon. I never did get them anyway. But the pioneer of the Newborns, Xavier Samuels (as Riley) and the Zhang-Ziyi look-alike, Jodelle Ferland (as an unnamed vampire) were good ones! :D Great and unforgettable actors, too bad we didn't see much of them. I wished they became part of the Cullens or something. Will read the e-book next week.

More than technicalities, I left the cinema intensely thinking about ~love~ (naw, doing ~this~ is just cool, but I'm not mocking the topic). Although it's believable that Bella and Edward are getting married, really, does love exist? (And how can Edward tolerate Bella after she asked for a kiss and admit her ~love~ for his rival? What would have happened if Edward has another option?) It's not like I'm wanting the exact same love for myself. IT'S FICTION. But I've lost all idealism about love, that's why Eclipse is bothering me. I'm sure a lot of girls are having the same thoughts as mine. Suckz.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Yes, a Twilight Fan here

So I was watching Twilight in Star Movies (starring Kirsten Stewart and Rob Pattinson, who needs to say that!), and it brought back A LOT of memories. I feel like I have a deep relationship with that book because I was a college freshman when it became popular. My dormmate Bette lent me her book and it totally got me engrossed that it kept me awake at night at the dorm and delayed my grade-conscious tendencies for the next three days. I was shamelessly hooked, like any other fan!

But what makes Twilight more memorable to me was that I wrote an article in the school publication, the UPLB [P]erspective about the feministic view of the female characters of Twilight. I miss writing relevant stuff like that, all I ever write about today are dreary sociological theories. How about application for a difference?

So I searched for that Twilight article that I wrote. The one that was on my Multiply (which remained unpublished, by the way, in fear of being labeled a ~hardcore feminist~) was the rejected one. It was too much of a summary than a review. You can read it here. THEN! To my joy, the published article was on my Documents, so I published it here. I also found an e-book of the whole series, so there is no need to buy books (maybe). Sighhhhhh. Memories. I'm on a writing rut. I feel like an unproductive little journalist.

PS. I forgot New Moon already, I need to watch it and remember why I shifted to Team Jacob. AND ECLIPSE! I haven't read the book!