All my life, I prayed for someone like you.
And it’s true. Until now nothing can still top him in my life. All the other guys that come near or have thought to come near never came near enough. Sadly, sinfully, I’m not talking about God. I’m talking about the single person that I have loved for the most concentrated time. I never looked anywhere else. Not to my friends, to my family or God. Him, just him.
It pains me every time I hear of love songs because no one knows of the magnitude of my pain. Nothing could ever describe it, and I have closed my mind that someone can help me. I believe that every experience of humanly love is unique and special, no matter how foolish it is on somebody else’s eyes. That’s why when someone tells me they have fallen in love, even though it is really foolish and it seems they’re just being masochistic martyrs, I admire them. But I don’t want to be one of them, but I did! I am! Until now I am being a slave to my dense emotions.
These first days of second semester was good, especially after last week. Last week, specifically last Thursday during the worship service, I felt healed. I said my sincerest sorry to God, and I felt comforted by his forgiveness. Then the next day, my churchmate gave me I Kissed Dating Goodbye, that I can’t say I have taken to the heart. My views change, like it always does, but when I heard of that guy, I found myself struggling once again. I wanted to cry.. The thought that maybe this will work, I wasn’t that important to him despite everything,, maybe he’ll love me after I sacrifice just a little more, what if I was his One and this is just a conflict to the plot? And then I realize that I’m being carried away by hope again… hopelessness of hoping.
Now it seems that every love song is a struggle. I haven’t listened to my iPod not only because the earphones are almost wrecked, but because it was filled with playlists that I associated with him. Hopeful playlists, that says that if only we could be together, if only you could see me differently. Now I could only make bitter playlists that we can’t be, and we have to move on. And it’s not healthy for me. All this hoping needs to get away! I really should avoid the very thought of him crossing my life again. God blessed me with a full life, and it is in my choice to be preoccupied by someone who has already, in a sense, died or that beautiful life.
A story went about a queen who had to choose, between two doors which her lover will take: A door which leads outside, or a door which leads to the lions’ den. She has to choose whether she sets her lover free, to let him forget her and perhaps find a new woman, or she kills him so that he’ll be eternally hers. I deliberately thought that she should really set her lover free, why kill him? Then I realized now that the pain of not having him, or worse, seeing him with another person, could otherwise create negative memories and lead to murder anyway, of herself or of the lover, I don’t know. Too melodramatic, if you come to think of it, but you can see the plot of the story in the undertones of reality.
It’s hard being a Christian. Half of me wants to succumb to the flirtatious, hopeless (I know it’s hopeless because I have tried everything. I’ve been there for him every time, I have dropped my priorities, beliefs and friends in a second for him, and he has been the content of my brain for months and months) way of putting malice to a Dead End. Maybe, just maybe, this has hope! Try and try until you succeed! I haven’t gone this far only to quit! But I wouldn’t be fair to the people who loved me already, loved me way more than he did, the people who also deserve my love and attention, because they have given those to me just when I needed it, like God has. After he left me, him even without being fully known to that fact, I was left crumbling to tears with every stupid love song, every dream of losing the perfect one, every story that didn’t have a good ending, every thought that I am his and he is mine. What if he didn’t deserve me to start with? He, and I myself, can’t see that. Maybe I was too at awe with him. Blinded, by love.
My friends, family, churchmates and God has been there comforting me. Two weeks ago I’ve never been so filled with happiness, even though he was not in the picture. I felt good and contented, I felt like who I was supposed to be. I was daydreaming too much of spending eternity with him that I haven’t even prepared myself that I could be wrong. Now, to me, he’s just a picture frame of sadness. A frame is something that covers something important, a picture, a reminder. Tonight I heard that song again, All my life, I prayed for someone like you, and I thank God that I’ve finally found you. My song for him and I struggled. Now that I’ve thought of it, I truly feel like Bella after Edward has left her. What a corny way to put it. But all that wanting to hurt yourself, being depressed all the time, not seeing the blessings of having my family and friends, happened to me. Sadly, God is my Jacob Black. Jacob was and will be deeply hurt in the movie. It’s not fair. I should author my own life and now I am writing that HE’S NOT THE ONE I PRAYED FOR.